


Cherry Blossom and Pigtails

by Irritus185, Raithe



Category: Ranma 1/2, Touhou Project
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 14:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2195853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irritus185/pseuds/Irritus185, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raithe/pseuds/Raithe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Genma is well known for selling his only child. This time, however, he might have made a tiny mistake. The phantom princess is looking for Ranma, and heaven knows what she'll do when she finds him...Probably eat, sleep, and annoy Youmu. Hoorah!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually a fic written a while ago. I decided to post this at Raithe's behalf so that you lovely individuals could laugh and poke fun at us while we cry bitter tears. I wrote this one with minor assistance from Raithe. You can tell because of its batshit stupidity and whatnot.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Ranma ½ or Touhou. I wish I owned Yuyuko though. Mmm…pinky…

**Cherry Blossoms and Pigtails  
By Irritus185**

Genma looked up. He looked down. Then he looked up again.

He wiped away the drool that was dribbling down his chin. “And…and what exactly do you want?”

A mischievous smile spread across the blond woman’s face, and she twirled her parasol. “I just want a little bit of your young son’s time. A dear friend of mine has been quite sad for some time, and I want someone who can put a smile on her face.” She glanced off to the side. “Your little boy seems to be the perfect fit.”

Genma followed her gaze. Ranma was currently running through a kata, the ten-year-old a flurry of motions. He jumped on top of a fence and attempted a crescent-moon kick, but lost his balance and fell to the ground. He gave an imperious frown, stood up, brushed himself up, and restarted his practice.

The blonde chuckled, and Genma felt as though a dozen eyes were suddenly watching him. He surreptitiously looked around, but, finding no people in the street other than his son and the strange woman, focused back on the matter at hand.

Or rather, at the large pile of gold in his hands.

Genma examined the money. It looked like gold ryous, coins from the feudal era. He didn’t know why this foreigner would have such currency, but to be honest, he didn’t care. He had…lent Ranma to other families for less. Much, _much_ less. With this amount…sake for most of the foreseeable future!

After all, he could always steal, er…take the boy back at his own leisure when he desired. A little trauma from this woman would build character in the lad. A martial artist’s life is fraught with peril, after all!

His view moved shiftily to just below the blonde’s nose. “A week.”

Her lips curled up. “Six months.”

“What?!” Genma roared.

Ranma paid no heed to his father’s eruption. He was used to it. It was Genma’s _modus operandi_ , though he wouldn’t know such a phrase. The man would give his own preposterous proposal, act outraged at anything else suggested – like he was the one at the disadvantage! – and then wheedle the person down to terms that left the person severely nickle’d-and-dime’d.

Simply par for the course.

“The boy’s training can’t be put off for that long! He’ll become weak if he spends all that time just entertaining some girl!”

“Four months, and I’ll teach him a few things as well.”

Genma stroked his chin, looking like he was about to agree, but then pursed his lips, his brows furrowed. “Two weeks.”

“Two months.”

“Three weeks, and I won’t go any higher!”

“A month, and I’ll double the amount.”

“Sold!” Genma swiped the additional gold from the blonde’s outreached hand and signed the contract that had popped up within the last few seconds, yen signs in his eyes preventing him from noticing the predatory smirk that lined her lips and eyes. “Ranma, come over here, boy!”

Ranma paused in his practice, walking over as he wiped his nose with his dirtied sleeve. “What’s up, pops?”

“Boy, you’ll be living with this woman for a little while. She’ll teach you a few new things.”

“Aw man, again? Can’t I-“

“Quiet, boy!” Genma slapped a hand over his mouth, his eyes wide and his brow collecting sweat. He gulped at the bemused expression on the strange woman’s face. “Listen to what your father tells you! Oh, what did I do to receive such a honorless son that wouldn’t follow his father’s well-meaning plans?”

“Okay, okay!” Ranma shoved Genma’s hand off and turned to the blonde. “Nice ta meet’cha. I’m Ranma Saotome.”

The woman kneeled down so she was at eye-level with the boy. Smiling, she fished a handkerchief out of her pocket and wiped the dirt from Ranma’s face. He made a face as she did so, prompting a giggle. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, too, Ranma. I’m Yukari Yakumo. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you have a lot of fun when you go.”

His face bloomed into a smile. “Really?” Martial arts were awesome and all, but his pops never really let him have ‘fun’ all that often. If he could learn some cool moves and have fun at the same time, then that would be the best thing ever!

Yukari’s lips curled up again, and she hid her mouth with a hand, her eyes dancing with…something. “Of course.”

“Okay!” He turned to Genma. “See ya, pops!”

He looked up from counting his brib- side of Yukari’s trade. “Remember! One month!”

“Yes…” Yukari twirled the parasol around again, this time covering both her face and most of Ranma’s upper body. Her tone lingered in the air – a smooth, velvety hiss that snuck into your ears and stayed there long after the maker was gone. “Just one month…”

Genma finished counting, turned his face to so see the two off, and froze.

The street was completely empty. There wasn’t even a sign of their departure.

The gold in his hand felt slightly heavier than before.

Ah well. Whatever.

“To the bar!”

* * *

Just another day in Nerima – a beautiful day wrapped over sexual tensions covering massive collateral damage tied around mind-shattering insanity.

And lo, the angels sang.

“Airen! We go on date now, yes?”

“Ran-chan, leave that Chinese bimbo alone! I’ll make some okonomiyaki for ya!”

“ _Ranma!_ How dare you screw around with those girls, you ungrateful boy!”

“RANMA NO BAKA!”

And lo, the earth quaked.

The eldest of the Tendo sisters smiled softly, wiping her hands on a dish towel. “It’s always so lively around here thanks to Ranma-kun.”

Nabiki watched the ongoing carnage with a calculating look. Already her mind was adding up the quickly increasing debt the wilder Saotome was creating. Oh yes, it would take more than a few cheesecake photos for Kuno to try and even _begin_ to break even now. The only thing that would come close would be out and out selling the quasi boy/girl’s body. She shook her head. “Whatever you say, Kasumi. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some work to attend to.”

Blackmail and extortion didn’t happen by themselves, you know.

The doorbell rang over the cacophony in the living room. Kasumi walked around the ensuing fight and made her way to the front of the house. Opening the door, she greeted the guests. “May I help you?”

A dreamy smile was her response. The pink-haired woman bowed formally, her blue kimono shifting easily in the breeze. “How do you do? Is Ranma Saotome on the premises?”

Kasumi looked back and forth between the woman and her companion, a girl about the same age as Kasumi donned in a green and white dress and clutching a katana to her chest. Her white hair matched the large blob that circled lazily around her body and head, her mouth formed into a tight, neutral line, her eyes and ears focused on the minor battle inside the house.

Kasumi blinked. “Oh, are you friends of Ranma-kun?”

The white-haired girl answered. “My master has a previous arrangement with Saotome.” Her voice was crisp and clear, begging no further speech.

Her master giggled sleepily. “Youmu-chan, that’s not very nice. You have to be more polite when talking to the matron of the abode.”

Youmu’s frown grew deeper. “Yuyuko-sama, I don’t see why…”

“Now, now,” Yuyuko interrupted, patting the slightly shorter girl on the head condescendingly. “There’s no need to worry. I’m sure there will plenty of food for you to eat when we get inside.”

The girl twitched. “Yuyuko-sama, _you’re_ the one who usually worries about not having enough to eat.”

“Ara? Oh, that’s right, how silly of me.”

Kasumi tilted her head to the side and smiled in confusion. They didn’t _seem_ like bad people. She was sure they wouldn’t cause any more trouble than usual. She gave a short bow and ushered them in. “If you’re friends of Ranma-kun, then there’s no problem.” Kasumi turned inside and lifted her voice. “Ranma-kun! You have guests!”

Ranma peeked out from the tug-of-war on his body. “Huh? Who is it, Kasumi?”

At the same time, Soun walked into the hallway, attracted by all the noise. “Hmm? We have guests?”

“RAN-KUN!”

The elder man saw a flash of pink catapulting in his direction and braced for impact. He already knew there was no way to avoid being run over. However, he found himself surprised and then immediately incensed when he found himself _not_ bowled over and instead it was _Ranma_ who had been tackled. How dare the boy flirt with another girl who _wasn’t_ his adorable daughter?!

Ranma, though, was more alarmed what the girl currently latched onto him and cooing nonsensical sentences had just _done_ , rather than what she was _doing_. For instance, the girl had literally flown – not jumped, but floated – down the entire length of the hallway and had gone right _through_ Soun. Not to mention the disturbing amount of small, amorphous spirits that were hovering around her form.

Even by his standards, this was something out of the ordinary.

It was too bad he wasn’t allowed to ponder on the situation, for out of the fray rose Mt. Akane, ready to blow as heat radiated off of her, ki coalescing in her hands to form the great Pervert Smasher T-100.

The head of the hammer rose, creating gravitational positive energy.

_“Raaannnnnmaaaaa…”_

And swung into a powerful arc, converting into the much more destructive form of kinetic energy.

“You _PERVERT!_ ”

Yuyuko blinked in the arms of Youmu, her body held in a princess carry. “Ara?”

Youmu sighed. “Yuyuko-sama, you really must learn to read the situation better.”

The pink-haired girl’s eyes crinkled. “Why, Youmu-chan, I didn’t know you cared so much. I promise I’ll be more careful from now on, ok?” She snuggled deeper into the swordswoman grasp, nuzzling into her chest. “Mmm, cozy.”

Youmu blushed, flustered, and dropped her master. “Yuyuko-sama!”

“Oh, poo. That was nice. Well, at least I still have Ran-kun to cuddle. But what will I do when he has to go to the bathroom? I keep forgetting mortals have to do that.”

“I don’t think that’s the point here…”

“So I can just follow him to the toilet? I hear that’s all the rage with the folks back in Hakugyokurou – popping out of the toilet. It sounds fun to me!”

“No!”

The rest of the members present watched the two-woman comedy act with flabbergasted expressions on their faces. The ashen-haired girl had been at the door when Akane had erupted, and then she was instantly…not. They hadn’t even seen the girl _move._ And there was the whole part with Yuyuko floating in mid-air after being dropped. She was hovering upside down while talking to Youmu, the ectoplasmic blobs bobbing in agreement with her.

They had dealt with lovelorn ghosts, living paintings, and even had that possessed toaster that danced to Jackie Wilson last week, but an air-headed poltergeist? That was new to them. The oddest part of the matter was that the pink-haired lass was more interested in spouting non-sequiturs at her companion than anything else.

“Well, how about paralyzing him in his sleep? That’s popular too, isn’t it?”

“Are you even paying attention to what you’re saying?!”

“That’s silly. Of course I’m n-“ She paused. Swiveling her head around, a look of recognition dawned on her face. “Oh, where’d Ran-kun go?”

As one, the inhabitants of Nerima pointed to the hole in the ceiling that was letting sunlight in.

“Ara? Who did that?”

The fingers swept to Akane, who had started to silently fume.

Yuyuko puffed out her cheeks and crossed her arms. “Well, that’s not very nice!”

Akane snorted and stuck her nose up. “Hmmph! That pervert deserved it!”

“Ran-kun…a…pervert?” Yuyuko’s face went lax, her body language vanishing. The spirits around her followed en suite, sluggishly moving around until they basically draped off her body. Even the air around her seemed to gain a gelatinous quality to it, becoming less crisp and more opaque in appearance.

Youmu palmed her face. “Oh heavens, not now…”

The air snapped back into fluidity, grew brighter for just a second, and then rushed out in the explosion of Yuyuko’s screams. Everyone except for Youmu was knocked over by the blast of psychokinetic energy that accompanied the sound wave, tumbling head over heels to the lilting of Yuyuko’s frantic blustering. “Kyaaahhh! How naughty! Ne ne, Youmu-chan, do you think Ran-kun will try to ravish me now that he’s all grown up?”

“Yuyuko-sama…I don’t think…”

“Gyaaaaaahhh…!”

The koi pond erupted upward as mass plummeted into it, sending waves and several annoyed koi every which way. Yuyuko spared not a moment’s rest as she launched herself through the door and into the soggy stack of clothes trying to wade its way out of the water. Ranma fell backwards again, the sudden influx of materializing girl crashing into him.

“Raannnn-kuunnn! Is it true that you’re going to ravish…” She raised her head from the cushiony pillows she had shoved her face into. “Me…?” Yuyuko looked up.

Ranma had shrunk considerably, his hair had shifted from black to a crimson red, and he had grown a fairly impressive pair of melons. Yuyuko looked up, then down, then poked the aqua-transsexual in the boobs. Huh, they were really pert, too.

Ranma grumbled in annoyance at the woman’s star-struck expression. “Do you think you could stop-GYAH!”

Yuyuko removed her hands from groping Ranma’s breasts quite thoroughly to then compare them to her own. She pulled out her kimono, took a quick peek, and blinked. Then she glanced back at Ranma. “Wow…they’re even bigger than mine.” She gave a closer inspection, causing a part in the back of Ranma’s brain to begin gibbering in terror. “Say…”

“W-what?” she gulped. Oh gods, here it came. The girl was either gonna call her a freak or something else insulting. The rest of the household waited with bated breath, assuming the same reaction as well.

“Do you think you can give me some pointers?! Youmu-chan keeps worrying that she’ll never get any bigger, but I think that she just has to have her growth spurt first.”

The ground shook underneath the collected pratfall.

_“Yuyuko-sama!”_

“Now, Youmu-chan, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of girls worry that they’re not big enough.”

“Who…who _are_ you?”

Ranma was running on empty cylinders. Girls attacking her (for various reasons/emotions) she was used to. Aforementioned girls having major, varying psychological issues she was used to. Even girls who weren’t exactly human she was used to as well – it helped her keep at least a semblance of a sane mind if she just accepted the fact that both human and non-humans were after her hide (for various reasons/emotions).

But what she was _not_ used to, was not only having said girl taking her curse in stride, but going _along_ with it!

What. The. Hell?

Immediately, Yuyuko’s demeanor changed. Her face drooped, the spirits around her grew darker in color, and Ranma just _knew_ she had stuck her foot in her mouth, as per usual.

“Ran…Ran-chan…” She winced at the change in honorifics and the overwhelming pitifulness in her voice. “Don’t you remember me?”

Oh great, so she forgot something and made the girl cry. Now all she had to do was find Yuyuko’s dog and kick it, and Ranma would complete the trifecta of assholery.

“Maybe ya can give me a hint?”

“I used to drag you to take baths with me all the time!”

* * *

Somewhere in space, a satellite picked up a sudden spike of thermal energy and gravitational force located in one of Tokyo’s prefectures. Maybe it was the birth of a new volcano or a major bomb had been set off? Time to contact the authorit-

Oh, no…wait. It was the Nerima prefecture. Never mind. Back to work.

* * *

Ranma felt that _she_ could cry as heat waves distorted the air around the Tendo’s porch. Damnit, and she had just gotten off of the Akane Express! “Urm, maybe be a bit more specific?”

“You were always whining that I kept eating the last manjuu and called me a big poopie-head.”

A spark went off in the young Saotome’s brain. Neurons connected, electricity leapt, and images flashed into her mind’s eye. Brown hair, ditzy smile, and an appetite that surpassed even hers a dozen-fold.

“Yu…Yuko-nee-chan?”

She gave a squeal and squeezed the redhead into her bosom. “Eeee! Ran-chan! You remember!”

“Why do you have pink hair?” she asked, muffled through the pounds of flesh.

“Oh, it comes with dying and becoming an all-powerful phantom.”

“Oh…okay.” A few seconds went by. “…wait, what?”

* * *

“So, let me get this straight.”

Yuyuko tilted her head, looking for all the world like an inquisitive bird. She sat on one side of the dining table, Youmu carefully perched by her side, while Ranma (converted back to boy form) and the Tendos were on the other end, Ukyou and Shampoo gathered around, and Genma carefully positioned to make a run for it should – scratch that, _when_ – things skipped south altogether and plunged straight into the abyss.

Nabiki was the unanimously decided spokesperson for the Nerima group, seeing as if anyone else would have tried to speak, things would have broken down quicker than Soun and Genma on an afternoon bender.

“You,” she pointed at Yuyuko. “Are a ghost princess who played with Ranma several years ago, killed yourself with your god-like powers, forgot all about him, went by 1000 years before awakening a giant demon Sakura tree where your body was buried, suddenly regained your memories, and decided to see your…” Here she paused, collecting herself so she wouldn’t start laughing. “Ran-kun, so you can play with him again by time-traveling back to a point he was still alive?”

“Yes!” Yuyuko chirped. “It’s the classic love story, you know. Boy meets girl, girl dies, girl nearly destroys world because she wants a nice flower-viewing festival, girl violates the time-space continuum to meet boy, boy and girl live happily ever after. It’s so romantic!”

Youmu sighed internally. Being Hakugyokurou’s gardener/bodyguard was oftentimes much more irritating and unnecessarily frivolous than need be on a normal day. Now she had to deal with the Real World’s inhabitants because of another of her master’s half-baked, impulsive plans? She was going to need a _lot_ of stomach medicine to deal with her ulcers after this…

Nabiki’s brain crackled. It was too late to try and exhort money from this girl now. Everyone had already met her, and she doubted the girl was even bright enough to understand the concept of a bribe. So all she could now was sow in some extra chaos and hope that a new opportunity would present itself in the long-run. Besides, after seeing just what the newcomers had done, she couldn’t be exactly sure if it all was hogwash or if ‘ghost princess’ was being completely honest and could very easily shuffle them off the mortal coil with a stray thought.

If she wasn’t alive, how could she make money?

Deciding on this course of action, she jerked a thumb in the Fiancée Brigade’s general direction. “Sorry to break it to you, but these ladies already have a claim on prince studly.”

Yuyuko frowned. “Well, that’s not right. I have a contract that says Ran-kun’s mine.”

“You mind I have a look at this ‘contract?’”

“Okay!” Yuyuko fished around in her pockets. After a few seconds of fumbling, she produced a small sheet a paper. “Ah, here we-“

Soun couldn’t take it anymore. With a passionate cry, he jumped across the table, snatched the paper out of Yuyuko’s unsuspecting hands, and ripped it to shreds. With a triumphant yell, he scattered the pieces around, breathing heavily. “There! That should put an end to this ridiculous business! Ranma must marry a Tendo, so any other agreement is null and void!” He turned giddily to Genma. “See, Saotome! There’s nothing to worry about! Yet another obstacle preventing Akane and Ranma’s true love from prevailing foiled!”

“Too true, Tendo, my friend! Too true!” Genma wiped his brow with a rag. Thank goodness, yet another fiasco caused by his greed averted.

“I’m _not_ marrying that jerk!”

“Ah…who’d _want_ ta marry ya, ya tomboy?”

“Baka!”

And thus the Tendo household fell into its normal routine of chaos, and all was right with the world. The status quo was returned and everything would restart its cycle like it always had.

Or, at least it would have, had the lights not dimmed then went out completely. An ephemeral glow began emanating from Yuyuko’s body, and the echoes of sniffles and whines bounced all over the house, circling like doomed spirits. The household felt a chill descend on them, and they looked over as Yuyuko’s body shivered, a negative pulse felt in each of them.

“Why…” She sniffled and blinked back tears. “Why would you do that? Why would you rip up my contract?” A foreboding darkness crept inward, the spirits around Yuyuko growing in size and turning scarlet. “What did I do to you? Why…why… _BWA-_ “

“Yuyuko-sama, that was your grocery list that was just torn up.”

She paused. “Eh?” Everything reverted.

Kasumi picked up one of the scraps and inspected it. “Oh my, blueberry-chocolate manjuu? Don’t you know how fattening and sugary that type is?”

Yuyuko scrunched up her face and puckered her lips. Her arms flew randomly in circles. “I know! But they’re just so good! Besides, I’m a ghost! I don’t _have_ to watch my figure!”

Youmu frowned and retrieved another paper from her dress. This one was more official looking, inscribed in flowing calligraphy on an ornamental scroll. “ _This_ is the real contract.”

Soun apparently hadn’t learned from the first near brush with death (literally), for he made a grab for the scroll. Instead, his fingers went right through it. Falling flat on his face, he blinked. He was sure the contract was tangible; it was flitting slightly in the breeze. The only reason that his hand had seemingly phased through it was…

Youmu’s frown deepened at the draining of blood in the elder man. “Allow me to borrow an expression from your culture – even the Buddha only forgives twice. Try again and…” There was a click and flash of steel as she popped the guard of her katana from its sheath.

Soun fell back on his routine habit when things failed to meet expectations – he cancelled all inhibitions on his tear ducts’ production of saline. “Waaaahhh! My baby isn’t going to get married because of Ranma’s infidelity!”

Shampoo took another route. Instinctively she could tell that this pink ditz was a much larger threat than kitchen destroyer or okonomiyaki girl. “Airen Shampoo’s husband! You is obstacle!” A set of bonbori magically appeared in her hands from that often sought physic’s dream of hammerspace. “Obstacles is for killing!”

“Ara? Where’d that come from?” Yuyuko asked right before Shampoo smooshed her.

The wooden floor shattered underneath the Chinese Amazon’s onslaught. It was the only item that _was_ shattered. Shampoo blinked in confusion as the pink-haired woman giggled gaily, the bonboris lodged somewhere where her colon should have been.

“Tee hee, that tickles!”

Shampoo tried to wrap her head around the situation. Pink ditz make move on Ranma, pink ditz become threat, Shampoo smash pink ditz, pink ditz go home in either many pieces or one very lumpy one. However, there was a problem with this plan.

“Why pink ditz not go smoosh?”

“Because I’m a ghost, silly!”

One second. Two seconds. Three. Ding!

“Shampoo forget.” She removed the weapons from the dented boards, watching carefully what the sword-user would do. There wasn’t even a relaxing of muscles. The woman didn’t even consider putting herself on guard around them. Trying to salvage the social faux paus, Shampoo sat back down. “Airen still Shampoo’s husband.”

“No, he’s not! Ran-chan gonna marry me!”

“No, he’ll marry Akane!”

It all almost degenerated back into squabbling, but Yuyuko stopped it by breaking out into amused laughter. “Ara, I’m not _engaged_ to Ran-kun.”

“Really?” Ranma visibly sagged with relief. At least now he wouldn’t have to worry about another crazed fianc-

“No, no, I _own_ Ran-kun!”

The world stopped spinning. Those who want to get off, you’re free to go and avoid the oncoming mayhem.

“Zah?”

“Yes! It’s all in the contract! His father, Genma Saotome, signed over his son, Ranma Saotome, to me for the rest of his life, though I would only initially have him for a month’s time, for about five pounds of gold coins.”

“Hey, wait a minute!” They all swung around to see a Genma with one foot already out the door. “I sold Ranma to some blonde foreigner, not to you!”

Yuyuko positively beamed. “That was my best friend! She gave me the contract as a gift!”

Genma paused. “Oh. Then I suppose I did sell Ranma to you. What a crazy mix-up, eh?”

Ranma stood up. “Excuse me one moment. I need ta have a talk with my pops.” Then he cracked his hands.

Over the excruciating beating taking place less than a few meters away, Nabiki examined the contract under oath that she would not try anything uncouth. After the implied threat by Youmu, she was not willing to provoke her wrath just to appeal to her bawling father.

“Members of the first part, Genma Saotome, agree to relinquish all legal, paternal, spiritual, biological, and astral hold over the second party, Ranma Saotome, to the third party, Yuyuko Saigyouji. Members of the third party may choose to…” She scanned downward. “…if members of the first party attempt to void deal, members of the third party may find an appropriate means of retribution such as…”

Her face turned green. She turned to Yuyuko. “Is she serious? Isn’t that, kinda…”

“An abomination against all the laws of nature and physics?” Yuyuko giggled. “Yukari-chan has a wicked sense of humor. I guess that goes along with being a youkai.”

“He sold Ranma to a demon?” Somehow, Ukyou wasn’t all that surprised.

“Not a demon, a _youkai._ ” Yuyuko reprimanded. “Demons are much more stuck-up.”

“So, pink dit-pink princess not get between Airen and Shampoo?”

She patted the busty Amazon on the head. “Ara? I wouldn’t _dream_ of getting between such a cute couple.”

“That good.”

“I just have to make sure you’re good enough for my Ran-kun. I can’t have him marrying anyone less than the best, don’t you know. Now, how are you on the matter of making sweets?”

“…hah?”

Kasumi set down a tray of tea and rice crackers. Oh dear, it had been so busy that she hadn’t even been able to greet her guests properly. How very rude of her. She took her place by the table and gestured at the snacks. “Please, enjoy yourselves. I’m sorry I didn’t get to it sooner.”

“Ooh! Tea!” The ghost carefully picked up the ceramic cup and took a long, studious sip. She let out a deep, pleasurable sigh and shivered in delight. “Ahh…that’s the best tea I’ve ever tasted!”

Kasumi bowed her head, a pleased look on her face from the praise. “Thank you very much! If you’d like, I can serve some Japanese confectionaries as well.”

Stars in her eyes, Yuyuko grabbed the girl by both hands. “Would you like to die? I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful eternity at my home.”

Kasumi retrieved a hand from her grasp and placed it on her cheek. “Oh dear, but then who would cook and clean for my family?”

Youmu lowered her own cup, eying the twitching forms collapsed around her. “Yuyuko-sama, please stop propositioning mortals to die for you.”

She pursed her lips. “Aww…really?” She closed her eyes in pensive thought. Opening them back up, she pounded a fist into her palm. “I know! Why not marry Ran-kun then? That way you don’t have to die, Ran-kun gets a cute wife, and I can eat as much as I want without Youmu-chan having good reason to stop me!”

“Please don’t act as matchmaker either. At least not to just satiate your stomach.”

“Well, how about _you_ then?” Youmu choked on her tea. “If you marry Ran-kun, then I’ll have all the people I love all around me!”

“Oh my, me? Marry Ranma-kun?” Kasumi’s eyes gained a glazed quality.

“Why not?” Yuyuko managed to add in. Youmu had no words to add as she was still sputtering. “Ran-kun is sooo cute! Especially when he looks at you with those big, teary eyes of his.”

“Oh my…” Release the blood flow!

“What’s going on over here? Why’s Kasumi’s nose bleeding?” Ranma clapped his hands of dirt and blood as he made his way over. Behind him could be seen the twitching foot of what used to be human but now seemed to be nothing more than a gelatinous blob. ‘Urks’ and ‘guhs’ could be heard sporadically over the cracking of bones and ligaments.

Akane slowly stood up. Ranma reared back, easily recognizing the look on her face. Oh man, he hadn’t even been there and she was already going to pound him. Akane raised the mallet above her head.

“Ranma…you…”

“Sweeto!”

Akane looked down. A small gremlin had grafted itself to her bosom. Said gremlin looked up, its wrinkled face leering in unabashed perverted glee.

“Akane-chan, it’s been so long! Ah…it’s just too bad that you haven’t grown much since I last saw you.”

“It’s only been a week!”

The grandmaster of Anything Goes style jumped away from the haymaker aimed at his antique skull. Ahh…so sad, so sad. He had been gone for so long and not even a proper greeting had been made for his arrival. The least they could do was grant unconditional access to their bodies, or just some of their used undergarments. But instead, all he received were nasty remarks and bodily harm. What was he to do with such undisciplined children? He landed and caught sight of something new.

But wait! There were two new targets in the house! A busty girl in a kimono and a more athletic one in a dress. His initial instinct was to go after the busty one, but the primal facet of his brain, the part that served him the most often as well as the best one to listen to, was screaming at him to avoid the slightly transparent girl at all cost. It was the same voice that made him avoid Cologne after their first meeting. Boobs were boobs, but being able to grope and live another day was even better.

So, after the smaller-chested one it was!

Youmu witnessed a fear like no other when the beady eyes of the shriveled man rested on her. He was definitely more of a threat than any of the other people there, but for reasons not known. Still, it was better to err on the side of caution and use a bit more speed than normal and when the hell did he latch onto her?

“Hmm…less than I originally thought. Your breasts are even smaller than Akane-chan’s.”

Yuyuko frowned. “Ara.” She spared a glance at the others before sinking into the floor. “I suggest you hide.”

The reason for why quickly became apparent. The spectral shape circling Youmu began to vibrate rapidly, and a surge of killing intent filled the entire house. There was a rush of wind, and Happosai had flown to the other side of the room, his eyes sparkling with intent. “So, the little kitten has claws.” He fingered the small rip in his sleeve.

Youmu had her back to the man. Both her katana and wakizashi were unsheathed, held in a cross formation by her waist. Her face was blank, her voice monotone but brimming with aggression just below the surface. “I, on my name of Youmu Konpaku, will make sure that you will not see the moon rise.”

Happosai brought his pipe out and clamped it between his teeth. Lighting the tobacco, he took a puff. “Ho? And how do you intend on doing that?”

Youmu sheathed both her weapons. “Hell Realm Sword: Two-Hundred Yojana in One Slash.”

Nothing happened.

There was a rumbling, a shaking, a pulse of energy…and then the room exploded as the sonic boom finally caught up with the slash, propelling everyone and everything except Youmu and Happosai every which way, slamming them into the floors, walls, and ceilings. Ranma blanched from his position inside a wall and under two feminine bodies, having managed to catch Kasumi and Nabiki before they were plastered themselves.

Happosai had exploded as well. His pipe and clothes disintegrated, leaving him only in a diminutive and unflattering loincloth. His body was a garden of knicks, cuts, and slices. He said nothing for a moment before grinning lecherously.

“A challenge…I _like_ it.”

And then he was upon Youmu.

Yuyuko popped her head out from the wall next to Ranma and smiled. “Wow, Ran-kun, I didn’t think it would be so exciting here! You must have lots of fun everyday!”

Ranma could only groan his answer.

* * *

For the first time since he and his father had arrived at the Tendo abode, Ranma was not woken up with a bucket of ice-cold, thrown out the window, or had an attempt on his life. Now, normally, being given such a reprieve would have made his content, or heavens forbid, happy. But no, no that was too much to ask of for the chaos magnet Ranma Saotome.

So instead, he opened his eyes to find the smiling face of Yuyuko staring right into his. What a wonderful sight to awaken to.

“Gah!” Ranma catapulted backwards, thrown off by the sudden appearance, and crashed bodily into the wall. His heart lagged behind, waiting to catch up with his breath.

Yuyuko flipped up from her horizontal position above his futon to a more vertical one, her arms wrapped around her knees. “Morning, Ran-kun!”

He took a deep breath, counted to ten, and then let it out. Crossing his legs, he propped himself up. “Have ya been like that all night long?”

“Mmm!” Yuyuko rolled in the air. “That’s because your sleeping face is just so adorable! I completely forgot what it looked like after a millennium.”

Ranma scratched the back of his head. “Are ya gonna do that every night?”

“Hmm…” She put a fingertip to her lips. “Every night I’m here, I think. I don’t really need to sleep, being dead and all.”

Ranma let out a larger, longer sigh at that. Yuyuko was…an interesting character. Naïve and charming, air-headed and ditzy…Were there any other words like that? Maybe he’d hit up a thesaurus just to find that out.

…nah.

Still, the ghost princess was very odd. She had insisted that she’d stay a week before going back home, promising that she would visit whenever she could. After demolishing dinner, putting both the Saotomes to shame, she had been adamant about taking a bath with Ranma, going so far as beg the boy to remain in girl form so that the other household tenants wouldn’t consider anything improper.

 _That_ had gone over well.

Youmu crawled back in sometime late at night, exhausted and with her clothes rumpled and disorderly and with the distinct smell of ‘old pervert’ lingering.

* * *

It wouldn’t be till a couple days later that Happosai would be found crushed underneath a dumpster with enough cuts, bruises, and lumps to kill a rhino.

After groping a few nurses in the emergency ward, he was in tip-top shape within the hour, but luckily he had enough fun with the half-ghost hybrid and had moved on to easier, double-D pastures, so he wasn’t seen for the rest of the week.

Youmu was disgruntled with the discovery of his survival.

* * *

The upside of the whole debacle, other than the fact that Happosai was nowhere to be seen, was that she had kicked Genma out of the bedroom and set up sentry out in the hall. Each time Genma tried to sneak back in, she’d mutter something about panda steaks and pop her katana.

After the seventh try, the porkish man slept in the dojo.

Now the only problem was Yuyuko’s resolution to attend school with Ranma. If that wasn’t bad enough, Youmu had to follow along to make sure her mistress didn’t get into too much trouble, so now he had to worry about two girls that were on the same tier as Happosai and probably Cologne.

There were some conflicts that even Ranma knew to stay away from. It was just too bad for him that such conflicts loved to stay near Ranma.

So with a heavy heart, an added proposal for Kasumi to die (with an actual poisoning attempt this time – Youmu scolded Yuyuko harshly for that and took away her fifth helping of breakfast as punishment), and two spectral, trans-dimensional women in tow, Ranma found himself back at the gates of Furinkan.

Where Kuno was gallantly awaiting the group.

“Halt, foul miscreant!” The delusional wannabe-samurai raised his bokken, pointing it at Ranma. “Verily I see that thou still persist in hounding the fair Akane Tendo! I demand that thee release both her and the other of my fairest maidens, the pigtailed girl!”

Ranma slapped a hand over his face. “Damnit, Kuno. I’m really not in the mood for this right now.”

“The Blue Thunder waits for no man, especially not as foul a sorcerer as thou! You will acquiesce to my orders with due haste, or else thou shall feel the steel of my blade!”

Yuyuko poked Ranma in the shoulder. “Ne, ne, Ran-kun, who is that guy? He talks so weird! I think he’s fun!”

Kuno perked up at her voice, finally noticing the new members. His gaze first landed on Yuyuko, brilliant as she was. Such beauty he had not seen before. The fair Akane Tendo was fierce as a tigress, full of energy, while the pigtailed girl was exotic in her beauty, coy and bashful. But this woman, this woman had an unearthly beauty to her, like a courtesan of old. Surely she would make just a good a match for the warrior of Japan, Tatewaki Kuno!

The maiden, the tigress, and the geisha makes three! He must have them all!

Snapping a rose from nowhere, Kuno flung it at the pink courtesan, failing to note that it passed completely through her and embedded itself in the school’s walls, so enraptured was he of his own flowery and eloquent prose.

“Ahh…such beauty in such a dismal world! It makes this worthy one weep that I have not known of thee until this very moment. I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan, Tatewaki Kuno, do ask thine name, my maiden!”

“Who, me?” Yuyuko smiled brightly. “I’m Yuyuko Saigyouji, ghost princess of Hakugyokaru!”

“A princess? Then I am correct! But of course such an ethereal splendor such as yours could only belong to those that carried the blood of royalty! Very well! I must ask that…”

As Kuno continued his shameless soliloquy, Ranma leaned in towards Youmu, muttering softly. “Do ya think you could use that same attack you used on Happosai?”

Youmi closed her eyes. “That is a skill that I should have only used in the most desperate of circumstances. It shames me that I resorted to maneuvers against such a base creature as that…” She spat out the word, like it was poisonous to the taste. “Man. Besides.” She lightly motioned at Kuno, who was still absorbed in the sound of his own voice. “Using any of my attacks on him would make me feel like I was picking on a puppy. An ugly puppy. An ugly puppy with a gimp leg.” At her metaphors, Ranma almost felt a sense of empathy for the upperclassman, but quickly banished it when his common sense smacked him back into reality. “It would be a gross misuse of my power.”

Ranma chuckled bitterly. “Yeah, I kind of know how you feel, but I learned the hard way that Kuno is as hardy as a cockroach and ten times harder to get rid of once he sets his mind on something.”

She opened one eye lazily. “Surely a normal human cannot be that tough to dispose of.”

“Saotome!” Their conversation interrupted, Ranma found himself back on the receiving end of Kuno’s misplaced wrath. “What relationship do you have with the princess that you may stick so close to her? Someone as tainted thou should not even be breathing the same air!”

“It’s not any of your business, Kuno.”

“That’s Kuno-sempai to _you_ , cur!”

“Gahh…why are you always so annoying?”

“I can tell you, Kuno-chan, for a price of course.” Seeing the opportunity to finally make some money of the situation, Nabiki had detached herself from her entourage of spies, lackies, and flunkies to sneak up on her classmate. Unless she made a move now, Ranma or the others would just blurt it out, and she would lose her chance to milk Kuno of his hardly-earned fortune. “Seeing as we already have a standing business relationship, I’ll give you a discount – ten thousand.”

Kuno snapped open his wallet. “I do despise you so, Nabiki Tendo.”

She grinned cattily back at him. “I know, Kuno-chan.”

Ranma realize he could use the time Nabiki would be filling Kuno’s head with half-truths and omitted information to make a run for the school and not be late for once. It was just too bad that Kuno’s brain had become so efficient in filtering facts and creating faulty assumptions that the boy didn’t even have to stop processing before his mouth disengaged and his vocal cords kicked into overdrive.

“Saotome! Long have I known that thou were a foul sorcerer who had sold his soul to demons. How else would thou be able to keep my pigtailed girl away from her beloved?” Here he paused, and everyone could almost see the disillusionment that Kuno was knitting in his fevered brain. He popped out of it a few seconds later and continued his rant. “But misfortunes of misfortunes, to now know that the princess is the one that thou sold your soul to, is all too tragic for words! But it was something that I should have figured out, for who else but a demon could bewitch my glorious self so easily and without any thought? Nay, for it is in evil that we find the most pleasurable and beautiful things, so that they may trick us, and drag us into debauchery!”

“How does he talk so long without having to breathe?” Yuyuko asked.

Akane twitched and ground her foot in the dirt of the schoolyard. “He subsists entirely on hot air.”

“Ohhhh…Ne, Youmu-chan, I’m not a stuck-up demon, am I?”

“No, milady, he must have you mistaken for another all-powerful inter-dimensional harbinger of death.”

“Why? Are they that common around here?”

Kuno didn’t even see that they were no longer paying attention to him. He whipped his bokken about in a frivolous fashion, moving it in a loop before extending it straight out. “But now that I know the source of your dark spells, I can vanquish the hold thou has over my pigtailed girl, and we can finally be together forevermore!” He shifted a foot back, falling into his kendo stance. “En guarde, servant of darkness!”

Youmu stepped in front of Yuyuko and Ranma. “Yuyuko-sama, please allow me to deal with this garbage.” She popped her katana.

Ranma folded his arms behind his head and leaned on leg. “I thought you said fighting him would be like beating a puppy.”

Youmu’s eyes flashed and the corner of her mouth quirked upward for just a moment. “That was when he was nothing more than a nuisance. Now that he’s declared harm on my master, I must perform my duties as her gardener and ensure that no harm befalls her.” She slowly drew the blade. “But do not worry, I will use the smallest possible amounts of my power.”

“Who said I was worried?” Ranma grabbed his pigtail and pulled on it. That lady-killer smirk full of confidence drew itself upon his face. “I’m glad I can actually see you fight this time. With Happosai, you were moving too fast for even me to see.”

“I see. Then perhaps I will allow you a spar should Yuyuko-sama allow it.”

He puffed out his cheeks. “I don’t fight girls.”

She turned back to face Kuno, so Ranma missed the same tug on her lips. “That would certainly rub the folks back home the wrong way should they hear you say that.”

Kuno grew tired of waiting and engaged. “Do not think a silly girl with a stick will defeat the great Kuno! I strike!” He launched forward.

“A silly girl with a stick, am I?” Youmu muttered. She lowered her katana into a relaxed grip, her body screaming about its lack of defense. “Then what will that make you when you lose?”

“The Blue Thunder never loses!” The bokken approached her head at rapid speeds.

“Cherry Blossom Sword: Flickering Scattered Petals.”

Cherry blossoms and wood chips flew.

The courtyard was silent.

“Ara, what adorable heart-patterned boxers.”

“Oh man, that’s just what I need to see first thing in the morning.”

And the Blue Thunder was vanquished. And there was much rejoicing.

* * *

So the day went on, with just two extra crazies than the usual Nth-number of crazies.

“I like candy. Do you like candy?”

“I love candy! Do you like mochi?”

“Mochi is great! Do you like ice-cream?”

“What’s ice-cream?”

“It’s creamy and cold and sugary and yummy!”

“Ice-cream sounds delicious!”

Hiroshi watched the new factor to Ranma’s life jump around like a sugar-infected ADHD child along with the ki-vampire Hinako. The two were acting like they had been best friends for life as they bonded over unhealthy junk food and sweets that rotted your mouth from the inside out.

“Isn’t she supposed to be teaching us? This is a school, isn’t it?”

“Since when has that ever mattered?” Daisuke retorted.

Hiroshi’s eyes wandered around the room, falling on a sleeping Ranma, an Ukyou cooking something on her portable grill, an Akane two steps past bonking Ranma on the head with his own desk (recently she had taken to making preemptive strikes on the lad for wrongs he would soon do), various card duels, and then finally back to the porn magazine he and Daisuke were openly reading.

“Touché. Ah, look on the rack on this one.”

* * *

“Tee-hee! Ran-kun! How do I look?”

Ranma gave her a quick glance then stopped.

“Yuko-nee-chan, where’d you get the gym uniform?”

Yuyuko pulled down the t-shirt over her bloomers and rolled her eyes. “Fouunnnd it.”

A student came running out of the girls’ locker room, her skirt half-off and her blouse unbuttoned. “Everyone! There’s some pervert ghost stealing all our clothes!” She skidded to a stop and pointed in horror at Yuyuko. “There she is! And she has my uniform on!”

Yuyuko looked behind, twirling in the air. “A pervert ghost? Where?”

A pile of bloomers and shirts fell from out of her clothes, burying Ranma underneath.

Akane went easy on him. He only received a double-concussion instead of a triple.

* * *

_“FOOOOOODDDD…!”_

“Yuyuko-sama, please calm down! You’re scaring the civilians!”

“It’s Pinkzilla, coming to destroy us all! Run! Run for your lives!”

**All students, please evacuate the school in an orderly fashion. This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill.**

“Damnit, Ranma! What were thinking, telling her it was a free all-you-can-eat buffet?!”

“It was just a joke! I didn’t think it would turn out like this!”

**:SQUELCH:**

“Oh no! She’s hit the dessert bar! Everyone, take cover!”

And then she exploded.

* * *

“So is it really true you knew Ieyasu Nobunaga?”

“Uh-huh! Yukari-chan brought him over once when he was still in his teens. He was such a crybaby, though. Then she said something about if he wanted to rule the world, he had to buck up and act like a man.” She put a fingertip to her lips. “I wonder how he turned out?”

Ranma winced, laughing uneasily. For characters like the boundary youkai, causality was apparently not something to worry about.

School had ended just a little while ago, and for him, it couldn’t have been too soon. Having Yuyuko around did wonders for his social life, even if it did mutate it into a fire-breathing monster with anger issues and twitchy throat muscles. Being followed around the entire day by a ditzy phantom was a new experience for him, something he had doubted was possible. At least Youmu had been around to run damage control.

To him, it looked like she had experience in that matter, and not for the first time he felt some camaraderie towards the white-haired hybrid. She had most likely also witnessed the same amount of stupidity that he saw and produced on a daily basis.

Akane had stayed behind to talk with her friends, so Ranma was left to guide the two otherworldly beings back to the Tendo house. Nothing severe had occurred yet, so now he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It always dropped. Primarily on him.

He didn’t have to wait long.

He soon heard something faint, something familiar. Quickly Ranma jumped to the side, narrowly avoiding the asphalt cracking punch cry, accompanied by a cry of, “Ranma, prepare to die!” He spun around to face his rival, the Eternal Lost Boy.

As annoying as Ryoga could be at times, Ranma needed someone that he could take his frustrations out on. Ever since Yuyuko and Youmu had arrived, there had been no breaks in the new stream of hysterics, and they didn’t even have the decency to let him beat up his usual punching bags, taking all the fun for themselves

But Ryoga had finally arrived after his vacation in some probably not-yet-explored region of the planet, and had also probably picked up some new technique to rub Ranma’s face in. A cocky smile surfaced. Finally, some fun had come.

“Yo, P-chan!” He waved. “You here for a while or just stopping by? Oh wait, with you we never know!”

“Ranma…” the fanged teen growled. Ranma waited for the inevitable announcement of how he was going to be ground to dust or some other exaggerated defeat. He grew puzzled as Ryoga’s face darkened to red and his fists wobbled. Ryoga swung an arm up to point at Yuyuko and Youmu. “How dare you gather even more girls around you?! It isn’t enough that you betray Akane with the usuals that you have to find more?!”

Ranma fell to his knees and bashed his forehead on the sidewalk. “Ryoga, can we just forget about that now and fight?!”

“Oh, we’ll fight, Ranma; we’ll fight after I destroy you!” He couldn’t believe it, he just couldn’t believe it. Ranma got all the girls, he caught them in his nefarious web without a care for their affections. The man was villainous scum to women everywhere, born with a charisma that could capture the heart of the most innocent of virgins, and Ryoga was left with a heart of glass, so fragile that even the slightest stirring could shatter it.

And here Ranma was, toying with Akane’s adoration like it was nothing to it at all. He wouldn’t stand for it; he wouldn’t! If there was one thing he could do, he could protect Akane from Ranma’s evil-doings and prove to her that, once and for all, he was the perfect man for her!

“You’re evil, Ranma, evil to the core! Because of you, I’ve seen hell, and no longer will I let it pass. Prepare to-“

“You’ve been to Hell?”

Ryoga stopped in his posturing and froze as Yuyuko popped up in front of him, her eyes glistening with amazement. The proximity of cute girl fused what little of his brain cells he had left and morphed him into a stuttering mess.

Ranma collapsed again. “Darn it, Yuko-nee-chan!”

“You’ve really been to hell? Have you met Yuugi-chan?”

“W-who’s Yuugi-chan?’

“She’s a guardian of the Ancient City.”

“What’s the Ancient City?”

“It’s part of hell.”

“Hell has parts?”

“Well, of course Hell has parts. Haven’t you been there?”

“Of course I have! And it was Ranma’s fault!”

“Really? What did he do?”

“He made me see hell!”

“By doing what?”

“By being himself!”

“Ranma is a ticket to Hell? But Ranma’s human. I never knew he was part oni.”

“Ranma is a devil, and he sends me to hell all the time!”

“Which part?”

“The hellish parts!”

“Is that in the Hell of Blazing Fires?”

“Where’s that?”

“In Hell!”

“Which part?”

“Oh no,” Youmu sighed heavily. “She’s stuck in a loop. And it’s a particularly bad one. Last time it got this far it took both of Yukari-dono’s shikigami and thirty pounds of mochi to break her out of it.”

“Huh, and all this time I couldn’t believe there was someone who thought as stupidly as Ryoga.” He pitched forward when a book-bag slammed into the back of his head.

Akane stood over him, fuming. “Don’t make fun of Ryoga. He’s not a jerk like you, Ranma.”

“Ranma?” Ryoga dazedly turned around. Upon finding the object of his ire, he jumped for another ground-buster, his hatred for the pigtails easily wiping over his circuitous thought patterns. “Ranma, prepare to die! Bakusai Tenketsu!”

Ranma rolled over as the pointer finger penetrated the sidewalk, erupting chunks of rocks and asphalt everywhere. He flipped off the ground and landed deftly on the chain-link fence. Picking up one of the larger pieces, about the size of his torso, Ryoga hefted it over his head. “I will destroy you!”

“Are you sure you don’t know Yuugi?”

_“Who’s Yuugi?!”_

**“First base!”**

* * *

The week passed and Yuyuko ultimately had to leave. Actually, Yuyuko wholeheartedly wanted to stay with Ranma forever, but Youmu had to be a pest and talk about the rip in causality and tear in the veil of death that would occur should they not return to Hakugyokurou.

Yukari would mop up her messes, right?

The two stood at the entrance to the Tendo’s yard, Ranma and the rest of the Nerima Wrecking Crew bidding them farewell. Yuyuko was on the verge of crying, sniffling into a pile of tissues while her companion spirits consoled her via soft cooing noises and rubbing on her hair and arms. Youmu was back to her serious self, though it was clear to a few that she was comforted by the fact that the long week was over. She still hadn’t managed to knock Ranma out of his ‘anti-girl’ behavior, but it was mitigated by the fact that she now had someone else to commiserate with should Yuyuko have another hair-brained scheme.

Lips quivering, Yuyuko bawled out a tearful goodbye. “I’ll…I’ll miss you…Ran…Ran-kun.”

Nervous over the atmosphere, Ranma fidgeted with his pigtail. “Yeah, me too, Yuko-nee-chan.”

Unable to restrain her emotions any longer, she jumped forward and brought the much younger mortal into a hug. “Don’t…don’t forget me, please.”

“Urm…wasn’t that _your_ problem?”

Youmu palmed her face as her mistress broke into another crying fit. Of all the…Stepping to the side of the strangling Youmu and uncomfortable Ranma, she gave a short bow. “It was interesting to meet you, Ranma-dono. Now I know that I am not the only one cursed to live a life of despair and inanity.”

“Heheh, um, thanks?”

“Yuyuko-chan.” Kasumi moved forward. She handed a small box to Youmu and smile benevolently. “So you don’t get hungry on your trip back, I made some cookies for you.”

“Kasumi-chan…Wahhh!” The Tendo matron soon found her an armful of pink phantom. Her tears were airy and cold, her body light and inversely warm. Yuyuko stared into Kasumi’s eyes. “Are you sure you don’t want to die?”

“Quite sure!”

“Well, okay. When you die though, look me up; I’ll make sure you have a happy eternity after.” She turned to Ranma. “Same goes for you Ran-kun, when you die, I’ll see to it that you have a wonderful afterlife with me in Hakugyokurou. It’s a peaceful place, and very exclusive as well. Almost nobody ever gets into it.”

“Wait a minute!” Ukyou exclaimed. She stomped towards the two, her face twisted in slightly anxious confusion. “What do you mean exclusive? You mean Ran-chan’s the only one going there when he dies?” It was one thing to question what happened in the afterlife; it was another thing entirely to say it didn’t exist at all when clear evidence to the contrary was giggling right in your face.

“Well of course it is! I run it, and only souls that I want to go there go. Everyone else is shipped off to either Heaven or Hell.”

“What makes you think Ran-chan doesn’t want to go to Heaven with me?”

Yuyuko flapped her face and laughed condescendingly. “Please. Heaven is overrated, and all the gods are mean and jerks. And Hell is, well, Hell. My place is so much nicer.”

Shampoo took the time to add her own two cents. “But pink princess only own Airen for now. Not own Airen after death.”

“You didn’t read the fine print.”

Nabiki’s head shot up at that part. She glanced at Youmu and narrowed her eyes. “What fine print?” She had perused the contract forwards, backwards, and sideways. If she had missed something, then it wasn’t on the scroll to begin with.

Youmu unfurled the scroll, procured a magnifying glass, and pointed at the border. Nabiki’s eyes widened. “No way…That solid line is actually…”

“Yes.” Youmu confirmed. “Yuyuko-sama owns Ranma-dono – body _and_ soul – so she has the right to choose which realm of the afterlife he will rest eternally in.” She glared nastily at Genma. “It’s funny how observant some people fail to be.”

Genma didn’t even give the rest of them a chance to glare, splashing himself with water and converting to his panda form. He curled around a tire, holding up a sign.

**Don’t look at me. I’m just an illiterate panda.**

Yuyuko cuddled into Ranma’s cheek into her own. “Yup! That means Ran-kun and I will be together forever and ever…” She glimpsed at the fiancée brigade, and for the tiniest sliver of a moment, her irises darkened and her voice deepened. “…and ever.” And just as it appeared, it vanished. “Tee-hee!”

All they could do was gape.

Yuyuko poked Ranma. “Don’t worry, Ran-kun. Everyone back home is really nice. You just have to watch out for the shrine maidens. They get cranky really easily.”

And Ranma, being the loveable dope that he was, missed the entire point of the last five minutes of the conversation. So he simply ran with it. “So what’s it like?”

“Oh, it’s great! We have flower viewings and eat lots of food and sleep a lot, and oh! We also have massive battles that determine the entire fate of our world!”

Something twinged in the back of Ranma’s mind. It sounded like the voices of thousand angels mixed with the smells of a thousand dishes laid over a thousand battlefields. “And I’ll go there when I die?”

“Uh huh. So I have to wait for the next sixty years or so, or until you decide you want to come earlier, but no worries.” She pecked him on the cheek, released her hold on his neck, and drifted backwards. “I’ll wait for you as long as I have to! After all…” She swung around Youmu’s shoulders, locked her gaze back on the girls and smiled. “I have an eternity to wait.”

That fatal, fleeting smile spoke of so much more darkness, age, and wisdom than those three girls could ever collectively know.

“And so will you.”

The chill stayed with them as Yuyuko energetically waved goodbye and turned around the corner with Youmu. Was that really all there was to it? Could they do nothing against such a…such a poisonous foe? To simply wallow in their own helplessness at a much more powerful being? To-

“Kasumi-chan…” Yuyuko poked her head out of the road, her eyes watery. “Do you have any more cookies? I kinda ate them all already.”

And lo, the earth quaked once more.

Yuyuko blinked. What? She was _hungry._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this one was written by Raithe with minor contribution by me. You see, this is why new chapters of Senshi Files come so infrequently; we technically only have one writer on board.
> 
> ...
> 
> And now I'm gonna d-

_I don’t own Ranma ½, and I don’t own Touhou. I also don’t own at Touhou, because I’m horribly out of practice and have the reflexes of a dead krill._

* * *

Ranma lay in his bed, reflecting on his life. He’d lived well these past 90 years, with a few obvious exceptions. He’d made friends, found love, had kids, mastered ancient martial arts techniques and used them all on Ryoga – all the good things in life. He’d even found a cure for his curse some decades back, and won a tidy sum from Nabiki in the process.

And now, he was resting peacefully at home, waiting to rejoin his wife, in what he knew to be the last few moments of his life. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

As darkness overtook him, he turned his mind away from the past and towards the future. His last thought before he closed his eyes forever was to wonder what awaited him in the afterlife.

“Ran-kun!” someone yelled. Then, the all-too familiar feeling of breasts in his face.

Ah, right, that was what awaited him. How could he forget?

* * *

The Return of Cherry Blossoms and Pigtails and the Lost Electric Boogaloo: The Movie

By Raithe

* * *

“Oh, Ran-kun! You’re back! Why, I remember the last time we saw each other like it was just last week!” exclaimed Yuyuko while continuing to smother Ranma within her chest.

“It was last week, Yuyuko-sama,” said Youmu from behind her.

“Ara? It was? Time-travel is so _confusing_!”

“You were not the one time-traveling, Yuyuko-sama.”

“Oh, that’s right!” She finally let Ranma go, and he gasped for breath with relief. “What’s wrong Ranma? You know you don’t need to breathe anymore, right?”

“I don’t?” Ranma forced himself to stop breathing, and looked down at himself. “Huh, I guess you’re right. This is gonna take some getting _why_ am I a teenager again?!” He stared down at his body in shock.

“Oh, that’s simple,” answered Yuyuko. “I liked you better like this than as an old man, so I had Yukari change your age when she brought your soul here! Frankly, I _wanted_ you to be 10-years-old again, but Youmu insisted that you’d be upset about that for some strange reason.” She turned to her bodyguard. “I still don’t understand why. I mean, he was _adorable_ back then! Why would anyone be upset to look like that?”

While Yuyuko’s back was turned Ranma silently mouthed ‘thank you’ at Youmu, who nodded in response.

“See!” Yuyuko continued. “Even you agree that he was adorable, and you’ve never even seen him at that age. Well, I’ll just get Yukari over here, and she’ll fix that right up!”

“NO!” yelled Ranma. “Uh, I mean, uh, you don’t have to… go to the trouble?”

“Nonsense, Ran-kun, it’s no trouble at all! Yukari will be doing all the work, after all.”

“Uh… Yuyuko-sama, didn’t you have something else you wanted to do with Ranma when he got here?” Youmu put in, coming to Ranma’s defense.

“Hmm? What do mean, Youmu?”

“You know…” the swordswoman hedged, trying to think of something “That… uh… thing… you said you’ve been wanting to do. With Ranma. When he got here.” Ranma felt a sudden wave of doom roll over him.

“Hmm… Oh! That’s right! Thanks, Youmu-chan.” Yuyuko pulled a bucket out of nowhere and splashed Ranma with frigid water. “Ran-chan!” she yelled, tackle-hugging him once more. “Oh, I did miss… Ara?” She pulled herself off of the still decidedly male Ranma. “Why didn’t you change? “

Ranma fidgeted with his pigtail. “I, uh, cured my curse a while back. See, one day I got a letter from-”

“ _WAAAAH!_ ”

“What?! What did I say?”

“Why… Why would you do that? _WAAAH!_ I liked Ran-chan!”

“Well, well, you see, I…” Ranma looked desperately to Youmu for help, only to be met with a cold stare and a slightly unsheathed katana. “…I’m sorry, Yuko-neechan.”

*sniff* “Really? You really mean it?”

“Yes! Of… of course I mean it!”

*sniff* “Then… I forgive you! I’ll just have Yukari fix that when she comes by to… umm… Why was I going to call her? Oh well, it couldn’t have been important. Now come on, I want to show you around!”

“Well, that’s one crisis averted,” Ranma muttered to himself as Yuyuko dragged him away by the arm.

* * *

“And over here’s some cherry trees.”

“Yuyuko-sama!”

“And over there are more cherry trees.”

“ _Yuyuko-sama!_ ”

“And up there is the ancient, world-destroying demon cherry tree I woke up that one time.”

“ _YUYUKO-SAMA!_ ”

“There is no need to yell, Youmu-chan! I’m right here, after all.”

Youmu took a moment to regain control of herself. “…I think there’s something we should be showing Ranma that’s more important than a bunch of cherry trees, don’t you?”

“Hmmm… I can’t think of anything. Can you give me a hint?”

Youmu sighed. “Starts with a ‘K’…”

“Umm…”

“It’s important to him…” She prodded, pointing at a dazed-looking Ranma (his eyes had glazed over three groves of cherry trees back).

“…Nope, I got nothing. But, hey, I just got an even better idea! Let’s take him to meet ‘her’!”

Youmu twitched. “Yes, Yuyuko-sama, that’s a great idea. Let’s go right now.”

“Oh, I’m sure it can wait until I’ve shown him a few more cher-” Yuyuko suddenly found herself in Youmu’s arms, being whisked through Hakugyokurou at high speeds with Ranma in tow. “Ara?”

A few short seconds later, they came to a stop in front of a tall, ghostly brunette merrily sweeping some stone stairs. She looked up as they appeared. “Oh my, hello Yuyuko-san, Mu-chan.”

Another twitch “…I asked you not to call me that, Kasumi-san.   And _why are you cleaning again_?!”

“Now, now, Mu-chan,” Yuyuko admonished. “You shouldn’t be so rude. Besides, think of all the free time you have now!”

“I can think of little else, lately…” She turned to Ranma (now supported entirely by Yuyuko) and gave him a shake to wake him up. “Hey, your wife’s here. Say ‘hi’ or something.”

She blinked when she realized Ranma was no longer in front of her. He had gone _through_ her before she had even finished her sentence, and had collided with Kasumi, babbling incoherently. Youmu shivered involuntarily. Ghosts simply _couldn’t_ do that to her. She turned her attention to the reunited couple.“Sumi-chan!”

“Ran-kun!”

“I missed you so much!”

“I missed you, too!”

“You have no idea how hungry I was when you left. No one could ever match your cooking! Well, that and something else I was hungry for…”

Kasumi giggled girlishly as Ranma clutched her closer. “Ran-kun, you naughty boy! Not in front of the others…”

“I’m sure they don’t mind. It’s been so long without you, Sumi-chan. I… I… Gah, screw it!”

“Kyaah! Nooo~”

Yuyuko sighed happily as Ranma assaulted Kasumi with a tickling on a near Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken level, the housewife shrieking in glee at her husband’s playful actions. “Aww… they look so happy together, don’t they, Youmu-chan? C’mon, let’s leave them alone for a bit.”

Youmu turned around, her face a sickened grimace, and put a hand up to her mouth. Her ghost-half had gained a slightly greenish hue. “Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea, Yuyuko-sama. Let’s leave. Now. Right this moment. And never speak of this again. Ever.”

She’d need a lot of antacids to recover from _this_ experience.

And so they left, Kasumi’s gleeful cries resounding through the spring air. “Ran-kun!” Yuyuko called over her shoulder. “When you’re done, come find us again!”

Manic giggling has his only response.

* * *

A few hours later found Ranma strolling up to Yuyuko and Youmu, a wistful smile on his face and a faraway look in his eyes. He came to a stop a few feet from them, and they broke off their conversation and turned to him.

“Ah, Ran-kun! I suppose you’re wondering why I asked you to come, right?” said Yuyuko.

Ranma nodded distractedly, his expression never changing.

“I was hoping you’d like to be my bodyguard along with Youmu-chan.   A second guard might cut down on the number of random disasters in this place.” She glanced at Youmu’s dubious expression, “Well, it _might_! …Okay, maybe not, but I’ll be happier anyway.”

Again Ranma nodded, still with the same expression.

“Great! I’m so happy you agree! But first, I need to ask you a few questions.”

Ranma nodded vacantly once more.

“Umm… I don’t think he’s actually paying attention to you, Yuyuko-sama,” Youmu chimed in.

“Really? Well, that’s not very polite.” Yuyuko waved her hands in front of Ranma’s face to no effect, then moved on to poking, prodding, and hugging. “Nothing’s working, Youmu! See if you can do something.”

“Alright…” The swordswoman racked her brains for a bit before hitting on an idea. “Now… what was it that that annoying boy said…” She cleared her throat and announced, in a surprisingly good impression of Tatewaki Kuno, “Halt, foul miscreant!”

The reaction was immediate. “ _Dammit_ Kuno! Why won’t you just leave me… umm… What am I doing here, exactly?” He reviewed his hazy memory of the last few minutes and rounded on Youmu. “Don’t _ever_ do that again!”

“Gladly,” she replied, “I feel a little dirty now…”

“Are you back with us now?” Yuyuko asked. “Good. As I was saying, I want to ask you a few questions. Not for anything important, really. You see, last week, when we were visiting you 72 years ago, I heard about this fun game called ‘Job Interview’, and I wanted to try it out!”

Ranma stared at her, silent, desperately trying to block out some of the more horrible memories of the job interviews he’d had over the years.

“Now then…” Yuyuko continued. “What was I going to ask…   Oh, I remember! What’s your favorite kind of sweet?”

“Uuuh…” Ranma articulated. “Mochi? I… don’t think that’s the kind of question you ask during a job interview.”

“Really? Darn. I’ll have to come up with new questions now. Hmm…” Yuyuko started tapping her chin, deep in thought.

“Can I ask a question? I’ve got one for him,” Youmu chimed in.

“Oh, of course you can play too, Youmu-chan. Ask away.”

“Alright.” She turned to Ranma. “When we visited last… When we visited, you said that you don’t fight girls. You don’t still feel that way, do you?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, I did think that back then. Seems stupid, now…” Ranma muttered to himself. “Anyway, no. I got over that decades ago when-”

“I’ve got a good one!” Yuyuko suddenly called out. “What kind of special skills do you have?”

“What?” asked Ranma, startled. “Oh, skills, right. Umm… I’m a master martial artist, and know a number of powerful attack skills and longer-ranged ki attacks.”

“Hmm… They’ve already got one of those at the Scarlet Devil Mansion.”

“I would hardly call Meiling a ‘master’ martial artist, Yuyuko-sama,” Youmu put in.

“Good point.” She turned back to Ranma, motioning him to continue.

“I can move just as fast as Youmu. Or at least, as fast as I saw her moving when you visited.”

“ _What?!_ ” blurted the half-ghost. “How?! Normal humans simply _can’t_ move that quickly!”

“Well, when you beat up Kuno, I saw how you did it, and was able to copy you after a few years of trying. Speaking of which, I can learn any martial arts or ki attack after seeing it once or twice.”

“Well…” Yuyuko hedged, “since most of the people in Gensokyo use magic or spiritual power or whatever, I don’t think that’ll come up much. But it’s still useful, I suppose. Anything else?”

“Well… I’ve almost figured out how to fly, at least for a little while.”

They stared at him. “You do remember that you’re a ghost now, right?” Youmu asked. “You’ve been floating since you got here.”

“I have?” Ranma looked down, and found himself hovering a good foot off the ground. “How did I not notice that? Anyway… there is one other thing I can do. I can turn invisible at will.”

Yuyuko shook her head. “That’s not as useful as you might think. A lot of people around here can just sense your presence.”

“Yeah,” added Youmu. “Even I can… where’d you go?”

Before Youmu had even begun speaking, Ranma had entered his Umisemken – perfected by decades of training and experimentation – and rendered himself all but utterly undetectable.

The two women looked around for some trace of the invisible martial artist. After several seconds, Yuyuko pointed off to their left. “Found you!”

“Not quite,” came Ranma’s voice – from exactly where he’d been standing before. He was balancing a sheathed katana on one finger. “Think it’s useful now?” he asked, smirking.

Yuyuko applauded as Youmu stared at the sword for a moment then checked her own blades to see that one was missing. Expression blank, Youmu walked slowly to Ranma. Sensing something wrong, he offered the katana back to the swordswoman. “Sorry…” he said sheepishly. Youmu took the sword without a word, and walked off, leaving the two ghosts behind.

“…I take it I did something wrong?” asked Ranma, staring after her with concern.

Yuyuko sighed. “Don’t worry, you couldn’t have known. That sword used to be her father’s, so she’s kind of touchy about, is all.”

“Oh geez. I gotta go apologize!”

“Go ahead, let’s pick this back up tomorrow.”

With that, Ranma rushed off after the half-ghost.

* * *

The next day found Ranma wandering around Hakugyokurou, totally lost, desperately looking for some sort of landmark among the endless identical gardens.

“Why does one place need so many cherry trees?” he mused to himself. “I mean, I get the whole symbolism thing, but this is just-” he was interrupted when he walked smack into the thin air in front of him. “What the…?” he muttered, rubbing his nose.

“Why did you walk into the barrier?” came a voice from behind him.

“Are you lost?” asked a second.

“You’re new here, aren’t you?” joined a third.

Ranma turned to see a trio of girls floating behind him, similarly featured and dressed. Based on the instruments scribing lazy circles around each of them, he guessed that they were in some sort of band. “Uh, yeah, I’m lost. Can you help me find someone?”

The three looked at each other, their expressions unreadable. After a moment, the black-clad blonde said, “Sure, we can help you.”

“Great! I’m looking for-”

“Nu-uh-uh!” interrupted the one with white hair and red clothes. “First, you gotta do us a _favor_.”

“We’re the Prismriver Sisters, by the way,” added the third, this one blue-haired and dressed in white. “I’m Merlin, and that’s Lunasa and Lyrica!” she said, pointing at each in turn.

“Umm… Ranma Saotome. What kind of ‘favor’?”

“It’s nothing much,” assured Lunasa.

“We’re just looking for a singer!” continued Merlin.

“What? I don’t really have the time right now, sorry. Maybe later? It’s not like I can sing, anyway.”

“Come on! It’ll only take a few minutes,” pleaded Lunasa.

“You’ll never know unless you try!” continued Lyrica.

“Yeah, dying can really change your vocal chords,” finished Merlin.

Ranma considered for a few moments, and Lyrica added, “Besides, this is the only way we’ll help you.”

Ranma sighed, knowing he’d been out-maneuvered. “Okay, what do you want me to sing?”

“We’ll get to that in a bit. You can’t sing looking like _that_!”

“Wha-” And they were upon him.

“What do you think of this one, Lyrica?”

“Nah, it doesn’t quite work. Here, try this instead.”

“ _GAH_! What are you doing!”

“Hush, Ranma. Oooh, nice choice, Merlin!”

“Thanks! But where should we put it, Lunasa?”

“Right there should be just fine. Now, what do we do about these?”

“Oh, I know! We’ll just do this and that…”

“What are you three up to this time?” Yuyuko called, floating towards them. “Something fun?”

As one, the three poltergeists pulled out of their huddle and away from Ranma with a ‘ _TA-DAAA_!’ and a musical fanfare. The martial artist stood there - blushing furiously despite his lack of blood - in a flattering, forest-green dress. It was similar to the uniforms worn by the Prismrivers, except infinitely frillier. There was even a matching bow on his pigtail.

Yuyuko stared, open-mouthed, and Ranma suddenly started having horrible flashbacks about a hammer-wielding maniac from his teenage years.

Then she yelled “Ran-Chan!” and shot towards the unwilling cross-dresser, hitting him with a high-speed glomp. Ranma’s flashbacks were replaced by different – but no less horrible – ones about a crazy Amazon.

The three poltergeists collapsed into fits of laughter.

Oblivious to the sisters’ antics, Yuyuko exclaimed, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re back Ran… Ara?” She gave him an experimental squeeze. “…Oh, you’re still Ran-kun. Oh well, at least you’re trying!”

“L-look, Yuko-neechan, this isn’t what it-”

“Shh!” Yuyuko interrupted. “You don’t need to say anything! Oh, I was so worried that you weren’t really sorry about ending your curse, but I shouldn’t have doubted you!” The violin circling Lunasa started playing a touching, emotional solo. “That you’d go so far to make me happy… You… you… you really _do_ care!” Yuyuko bawled out.

After taking a few moments to compose herself, she continued, “And you even convinced the Prismrivers to help you! Normally, they just play tricks on everyone.”

“You _don’t_ say,” hissed Ranma through gritted teeth, glaring at the offending girls. They stuck their tongues out at him and flew off.

“Yuyuko-sama!” came a voice from the opposite direction, a voice that somehow managed to worsen Ranma’s already considerable horror at the situation. “Have you seen Ranma? The three of us were supposed to… Who’s this?” asked Youmu, striding up to them.

Ranma blushed again and tried to flee, but was held back by Yuyuko. “Don’t you recognize Ranma, Youmu-chan? He and the Prismrivers cooked up this wonderful gift for me!”

Youmu stared at Ranma, open-mouthed, as recognition dawned on her face.

Then she fell over laughing.

“It’s not funny!” ground out Ranma, his blush deepening even further.

“ _Yes it is!_ ” Youmu managed to gasp before once more succumbing to gales of laughter. Even her ghost-half seemed to be laughing at him.

“Oh, Ran-kun! This is the best present I’ve had in a long time! But… you can’t fight in that, can you?” He shook his head mutely. “I thought not. Go change, and come back, I’ve got more training for you. We’ll have plenty of time to dress you up once Yukari gives you your curse back!”

“…Yes, Yuko-neechan.” The ghost princess turned away as he left, hiding tears of happiness.

* * *

A few hours, one awkward conversation with Kasumi, and eight wrong turns later, Ranma finally returned to Yuyuko and Youmu. He wondered if this was what Ryoga felt like all the time. “I’m back!” he called as he approached.

“Ah! Ranma!” Yuyuko answered. “We were getting worried!”

“So, what we were going to do today?” he asked, reaching them.

“More of the interview. Today, I want you to spar with Youmu-chan.” She indicated her bodyguard, who stood a little straighter. “I need to see how you do in a fight, so I know which stage you should be in.”

“…Stage? What?”

“Don’t worry,” Yuyuko assured him. “Some incident or other will happen soon enough, and then it’ll make perfect sense.”

“…If you say so.”

“All right! Take your positions!” Yuyuko instructed. The two combatants took ready stances.

“I certainly hope you’ve improved since we visited,” said Youmu, smirking. “If this ends _too_ quickly, we’ll have to find someone weaker for you to fight.”

“Or stronger,” Ranma taunted back. “I’ve got ninety years of martial arts training and secret techniques under my belt, now.”

“Let’s see if it’s enough!”

“Go!” Yuyuko shouted. And with that, they began, charging each other with blinding speed.

Ranma was true to his word - he moved just as quickly as Youmu as the two of them exchanged blows, striking, weaving, and dodging faster than the human eye could track.

Yuyuko, of course, had no trouble following the match, and called an end to it after several minutes. “That was very impressive!” she applauded Ranma as the martial artist panted heavily. “Almost as good as Youmu! I’d say you’re Stage 5 material.” She turned to Youmu, who was also panting, though not as heavily as Ranma. “What do you think?”

“That… that sounds about right.”

“Oooh, but now there’s a problem… I’d hate to have to relegate one of you to a mid-boss…”

“We could just fight at the same time,” Youmu suggested.

“No, that’s what the Prismrivers do. Hmmm… what to do, what to do.”

Ranma finally caught his breath enough to speak up. “Umm… I don’t really understand what you’re talking about but… Why don’t you just add another ‘stage’, or whatever? Y’know, with me in Stage 5 and Youmu in Stage 6, or something like that?”

The two women gaped at Ranma for a few seconds then burst out in simultaneous howls of laughter.

“What!?” Ranma demanded indignantly.

They kept laughing a few moments more then stopped abruptly. “You mean you were _serious_?” Youmu asked, clearly horrified.

Yuyuko let out a small ‘hmmph’. “I don’t know what things were like in _your_ world, but around here, we have _standards_ ,” she said.

Ranma rubbed the back of his head in confusion. “Umm… Sorry?”

Yuyuko sighed. “You have a lot to learn, Ran-kun. Well, that’s enough for today. You two are dismissed.” She walked off.

Youmu glanced at Ranma, then rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Really, what were you thinking?”

“I didn’t know!”

“…No, I suppose you wouldn’t. In any case, I’m glad we had that spar. It gave me something to do.”

Ranma scratched his head. “I thought you were constantly busy? I remember you saying that when the two of you visited, anyway.”

Youmu sighed. “That was before Kasumi got here. Now…” She suddenly rounded on Ranma and grabbed the front of his shirt. “She cleans _constantly_! Even when everyone else is sleeping, there she is, sweeping the steps or washing the walls or… or _something_! There’s nothing left for me to do anymore!” She realized with a guilty start that she’d lifted Ranma off his feet despite their difference in heights, and let him go. “I’m going crazy with boredom!”

“Yeah…” Ranma commiserated, “She did get kind of… obsessive-compulsive toward the end. Why, I remember this one time when she-”

“Unless this story is about how to make her _stop_ ,” Youmu interrupted, “I really don’t want to hear it. I swear, that wife of yours is going to be the death of…” Youmu suddenly paused in her rant, and slowly smiled.

“…Yes?” Ranma prompted.

“Ranma!” Youmu pointed at him dramatically. “Go do _husbandly_ things with Kasumi!”

Ranma’s face broke into a wide grin, and he dashed off at top speed, yelling, “Suuumi-chaaan!”

Youmu blinked after him then shrugged. “Seems like he’s developed a libido since I met him. Good for him.” She grabbed a nearby rake and got to work, whistling all the while.

* * *

Lunasa flew stealthily through the air, her target in sight and her payload at the ready. Her younger sisters were at either side, flying in tight formation with their own payloads as they approached the unsuspecting brunette.

Soon, they were upon Kasumi, her back turned to them, sweeping away at fallen cherry petals as she hummed merrily to herself. The three poltergeists raised the buckets they carried above their heads, taking careful aim.

Suddenly, a bright red aura burst into existence from Kasumi, reaching up in a pillar ten feet tall. The force of it blew away fallen leaves, sent branches swaying, and blew the Prismriver’s hair and dresses backwards. It was all the three of them could do to remain airborne.

“Oh my!” the ghostly woman said sweetly, turning to them as her aura started to die down. “You should be careful with those! You wouldn’t want to get the place all dirty after I just cleaned it, would you?”

The sisters exchanged terrified glances, and Lunasa spoke up nervously. “Uh… you mean… Us? No, we would never do that. In fact, we were just… passing through, is all!”

“Oh? Then why are you all carrying buckets of mud?” Kasumi asked quizzically.

“Buckets? What buckets?” Lyrica asked innocently. Then she realized that they were all still holding their would-be mud-bombs above their heads, and hastily amended herself. “Oh, _these_ buckets! Heh heh… uh…   These are just for… ummm…”

“Exercise!” put in Merlin. Her sisters cringed at such a transparent lie.

Kasumi looked at her, confused. “But you don’t have muscles,” she pointed out. “How could exercise help you?”

Lunasa racked her brain, trying to come up with a way to save their cover story. “It’s… a _balance_ exercise! We’re trying to see how quickly we can fly without spilling the mud!”

“Oh my, that sounds difficult! I suppose you’ll be doing a full lap around Hakugyokurou? I’ll keep track of your time for you!”

“No, no! That’s not-” began Lyrica, but was interrupted.

“These three aren’t bothering you, are they, Sumi-chan?” came a voice from behind them. They whirled around (careful about the buckets) to see the boy from earlier behind them, cracking his incorporeal knuckles.

“Oh, no,” Kasumi assured him. “They were just telling me how they were going to fly all around Hakugyokurou without spilling those buckets.”

“Really?” asked Ranma, disappointed. Then he grinned at them evilly. “I’d _love_ to see that! Make sure you come back here when you’ve done a lap or twelve.”

The sisters nodded, and reluctantly set off, overhearing Kasumi say, “Now, Ran-kun. About that dress…” as they left.

“New rule,” said Lyrica once they were out of ear-shot. “We leave Kasumi alone.”

The other two nodded vigorously.

* * *

The next day, Ranma, Yuyuko, and Youmu met once more.

“Today, we’ll be doing something a little different,” Explained Yuyuko. “A visualization exercise!” Ranma stifled a groan. “I want you to imagine that someone’s invading Hakugyokurou.”

“Um... alright, I’ll-”

He was interrupted when a brunette in red and white came marching up to them. “Hey, Yuyuko, I want to talk to you!”

Yuyuko stared for a moment, before exclaiming, “Wow Ranma, you’re good at this! Wait, let me try!” She scrunched her eyes closed, put her fingers to her temples, and started muttering “Manjuu, manjuu, manjuu, manjuu…” After a few moments, she opened her eyes with a wide smile, which quickly became a frown of disappointment. “Aw, I’m bad at this… I know! Ranma, you call up some manjuu!”

“I said I need to talk to you!” the newcomer started to interject. “Something weird’s happened to-”

“Not now, Reimu. Ranma here’s about to make some sweets!” Yuyuko turned to Ranma expectantly.

Youmu put a hand on Reimu’s shoulder. “You know what she’s like when she gets like this. Just wait it out.”

Reimu sighed, crossed her arms, and sat on the ground to wait while Ranma desperately tried to explain that he couldn’t summon sweets out of thin air.

\--------------------------------------15 minutes later------------------------------------------

“So, you’re saying that you can’t call up manjuu at will?”

“Right.”

Youmu and Reimu had long since stopped paying attention, and were instead engaged in a game of cards.

“Not cherry manjuu or raspberry manjuu or chocolate manjuu, or any other kind?”

“Right.”

“Aww… How about you summon some mochi instead, then?”

\-----------------------Considerably more than 15 minutes later------------------------

“Let me get this straight. You can’t summon manjuu, or mochi, or any other kind of sweet. For that matter, you can’t summon food of _any_ sort.”

“Right”

“You also can’t summon flowers, or works of art, or tools, or world-shattering super-weapons, or clothing, or anything else, either. In fact, the only things you _can_ summon are shrine maidens.”

Ranma sighed. “That’s right.”

“…Well, that’s a useless power”

He hung his head. “I know. I’m sorry, Yuko-neechan”

“Don’t worry,” Yuyuko said, patting Ranma on the head. “It’s not your fault. We’ll just have to make do with your other skills.”

A duet of light snoring drew their attention to the other, long-forgotten girls, both fast asleep. Reimu was stretched out on the ground, while Youmu was using her ghost-half as a spectral pillow, her arms wrapped around it and clutching tightly.

“Oh!” Yuyuko exclaimed. “Reimu, what are you doing here?”

At the sound of her name, the shrine maiden began to stir, gradually sitting upright. “Huh? What was I… um…” She blinked several times before shaking her head in an effort to wake herself up. “Oh, that’s right! Yuyuko, I wanted to talk to you,” she said, getting to her feet as Youmu began to awaken as well. “There’s something weird happening to the Barrier between Gensokyo and the Real World, and I’ve got a hunch that you’ve got something to do with it!”

“Me?” Yuyuko asked innocently. “Why would you think it was me? It’s not like I’ve been taking trips through time and space lately.”

Ranma tried to make himself invisible, remembered that he _could_ turn himself invisible, and then kicked himself for not thinking of that back when he was wearing the dress.

Reimu, meanwhile, ignored his shenanigans as she gave the ghost a flat look. “I can never tell when you’re joking,” she said at last. “…Wait, what do you mean ‘lately’?!”

“Oh, nothing!” Yuyuko giggled, and then gained a thoughtful look. “Hmmm… Now, what could have happened to the Barrier… _OH!_ I remember now! The reason I called you here-”

“You didn’t call me here,” Reimu interrupted.

“-was so that you could help me train my new bodyguard, Ran-kun!” Yuyuko finished, indicating the boy in red and black.

“You _didn’t_ call me here!” Reimu forcefully repeated. “And this is more important than training some ghost I’ve never even met before! …Besides, what’s wrong with your old bodyguard?”

Youmu fumed at the (presumably) unintended insult, but Yuyuko simply replied, “There’s nothing wrong with Youmu-chan, I just want Ran-kun to be my bodyguard, too. _Pleeease_ help me train him? I’ll make it worth your while!”

Reimu sighed. “Look, the only thing I want from you is information about the Barrier. Since you apparently don’t have any, I’ll be going.” She turned to leave.

“Who said I don’t know anything?” Yuyuko asked.

Reimu paused and slowly turned back around. She could feel a headache coming on. “…You’re the one who said you didn’t know anything, Yuyuko”

“Me? Nonsense, I just heavily implied it. I actually know exactly what’s wrong with the Barrier!”

Reimu gnashed her teeth. “Then. Why. Didn’t. You. _TELL ME?!_ ” she ground out, fingering her talismans.

“Why, blackmail, of course!” Yuyuko answered brightly. She pointed at Ranma.

Reimu took a few slow, deep breathes. “…So, let me get this straight. You’re withholding information about the Barrier – putting all of Gensokyo _and_ the Real World at risk in the process, I might add – and you won’t give it to me unless I fight your new favorite ghost. Do I have that right?”

“Pretty much.”

Reimu entertained pleasant thoughts of beating the information directly out of Yuyuko, but decided against it when she realized that she’d probably end up fighting the boy _anyway_ , and Youmu as well. She turned to the martial artist with a sigh. “OK, Renkon, let’s get this over with.”

“His name is ‘Ran-kun’,” Yuyuko corrected.

“It’s ‘Ran _ma_ ’.” He took a ready stance, but noticed a card flying towards his head. “What is…” he reached out to catch it. Suddenly, some instinct screamed ‘ _AVOID!!!_ ’ He pulled back his arm and ducked low, managing to avoid the projectile by a hair. Smirking, he made to charge the shrine maiden.

He’d gone a full two steps before the sealing amulet did a complete 180 and smacked into his back, sending him twitching to the ground.

Reimu walked over to him. “You’re not very bright, are you?” she asked, poking him with her prayer rod.

“I wa-wasn’t re-ready…” he managed.

“Ran-kun!” Yuyuko yelled sternly. “Stop embarrassing me and be serious!”

With an effort, Ranma got to his feet and once more took a fighting stance. “Don’t expect that to work twice. Let’s fight for real, this time.” And with that, the two began to battle in earnest.

Half a minute later, Ranma was twitching on the ground again.

“So, what do you think?” Yuyuko asked as the shrine maiden approached, dusting off her hands. “I think he has Stage 5 potential.”

Reimu thought for a second. “…Yeah, maybe. He needs more practice first, though, and a few more spellcards. Plus, he needs to remember that ghosts can fly. Now then, the information?”

“Hmm? Oh yes, the Barrier. You see, lately, I’ve been taking trips through time and space!”

Reimu’s eye started twitch wildly. “You said you _hadn’t_ been doing that!” she shouted.

“No, once again I simply heavily implied it.”

“No, _this_ time you really did say it. ‘It’s not like I’ve been taking trips through time and space lately’ were your exact words!”

Yuyuko gave her a blank stare. “…Ara? Umm… oops?”

Reimu tapped her foot impatiently. “Explain. Now.”

* * *

Reimu rubbed her temples. “So, Ranma’s a 90-year-old, 3-day-dead martial artist from the Real World? One who, eight years ago, was one of your young childhood friends from back when you were alive, 1,000 years ago?”

“Right.”

“And, after visiting him in his home last week, you decided to bring him here - now - when he died 70 years from now, and rejuvenate him to his current age? And you did the same to one of his friends – who just happens to be his wife in the future – when she died 55 years from now?”

“Uh-huh. Simple, isn’t it?”

“And all of this time-traveling through the Barrier has put enough holes in it to make it look like a ratty rice paper door?

“Most likely, yes.”

Reimu said nothing for several seconds. “…This is all Yukari’s fault. I’m sure of it.”

“What’s all my fault _this_ time?” Ranma and Youmu looked up from their note-taking (time-travel was so _confusing_ ), and the three women and one man turned to face the voice.

A blonde woman was coming towards them, her parasol leaning casually against one shoulder. She moved with an eerie grace, though it was not nearly as uncanny as her smile. Another woman, this one fox-eared-and -tailed, walked behind her and slightly to one side, her arms crossed within the sleeves of her kimono.

“Ah, Yukari! I didn’t think you’d get here so quickly!” called out Yuyuko, waving as the two approached. “I expected you to wait until nightfall, at least.”

“Well, normally I would,” replied Yukari pleasantly, “but I needed to move the plot along.”

Ranma stared at her, bewildered. “Plot? What? Is this like those ‘stages’ you were all talking about?”

“ _No one_ knows what she’s talking about when she does that,” Youmu assured him. “She says she’s using her boundary-manipulating power to ‘break the fourth wall’, or something like that.”

“…And grouping people into stages as if this were a video game isn’t breaking the fourth wall?” he replied incredulously.

“What’s a video game? And, no, that’s perfectly normal.”

Reimu glared them into silence, and turned to Yukari. “ _You_ have a lot to answer for!” she declared, pointing dramatically. “How could you be so careless wi-”

She was cut off by the fox-woman’s sudden cry of “Chen? Cheee~eeen!”

With the drama thoroughly destroyed along with her patience, Reimu swung her gaze over to the other woman. “What’s the problem, Ran?” she asked through clenched teeth, resisting the urge to just blast the kitsune and have done with it. Sure, Yukari _might_ simply ignore the assault on her shikigami, but she might also decide to portal Reimu to the Hell of Blazing Fires for a few days, and that was something she did _not_ need.

“Chen’s wandered off again!” Ran explained, looking around fretfully. “I know she can take care of herself, but last time she went off alone around here, she got beaten up by a couple of _thugs_.” At the last word, she shot a vicious glare at the shrine maiden, who returned it in kind.

“Why don’t I go look for her?” Ranma volunteered, eager to get away before Reimu became even more frustrated and started attacking people indiscriminately. The fact that Yuyuko might remember to ask Yukari about his curse at any moment had nothing to do with it whatsoever.

“Would you?” said Ran. “She’s a young girl, with brown hair, a green cap, and a red dress. She must be over there somewhere.” She gestured back the way she came.

“On it!” he called as he dashed off.

Reimu took a deep, calming breathe. She faced Yukari again. “How could you be so careless with the Barrier? It’s practically falling apart!”

“And how is that my fault? It’s not like I’ve been taking trips through time and space lately.”

_Ah yes,_ there’s _that headache._ “You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

“Well, of course. But I’m not lying.”

“According to Yuyuko, you traveled through the Barrier not ten years ago, brought back Ranma, and sent him 1,000 years into the past!”

“…You have a very loose definition of ‘lately’. In any case, I _didn’t_ do that ten years ago. I did it 1,000 years ago, when Yuyuko first said she was lonely.”

“It was _still_ incredibly un…” Reimu paused, scratching her head. “Wait, why would you jump a millennium into the Real World’s future just to find a playmate for her?”

“I’m… I’m not sure…” Yukari absently twirl her parasol and put her free hand on her chin, considering. “I guess I was just… drawn there. Like it seemed right on some level so fundamental as to be unquestionable.”

Yuyuko let out a high pitched squeal that forced everyone (except Yukari) to cover their ears. “ _EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!_ Did you hear that Youmu-chan? Ran-kun and I were destined to be together! Isn’t it wonderful?”

“Yes… wonderful…” replied the unenthusiastic half-ghost, rubbing her ears.

“Can we get back to the matter at hand, now?” asked a thoroughly annoyed Reimu.

“Probably,” answered Yuyuko, “but I doubt it will last long this time, either.”

Before Reimu could even open her mouth to speak, Ran cocked her head to one side and asked, “Does anyone else hear that?”

“…Yeah, I do…” Yukari answered, mimicking Ran’s motions. “It sounds almost like… someone screaming?”

“Huh?” said Reimu, stopping just before she launched a barrage of amulets in Ran’s direction. “Hey, you’re right! But, what could…?”

Her question was answered when a red and black blur appeared in the distance and rushed toward the group at incredible speeds. Youmu, Ran, and Reimu got ready to ward off the possible attack as the blur reached them-

“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”

-and zoomed straight past without so much as slowing down, the wind from its passing bowling Youmu over. The girls had barely enough time to see a second, smaller, red and brown blur flapping out behind the first before they both disappeared into the distance once more.

They all stared after the retreating blur, and Reimu wondered aloud, “What the hell was that?! Only Youmu and the Crow Tengu are that fast, and they never leave the Youkai Mountain. …Well except for that annoying reporter, but she’d be taking pictures if she were here.”

Youmu’s eyes went wide with realization. “Erm… There is _one_ other person who can go that fast, now…”

Reimu’s eyebrows shot up. “Who?” she demanded.

“Let’s find out!” said Yukari. With a snap of her fingers, Yukari opened one Gap fifteen feet to the group’s left, and another fifteen feet to their right. The blurs (still screaming) immediately shot out of the left Gap, ran straight through the middle of the group again, and entered the right Gap, reappearing out of the left Gap and repeating the process without end.

With the blurs now trapped within earshot, the gathered women could make out a second voice, this one a young girl’s. It was saying, “What are we running from?! Why won’t you _tell_ me??”

Ran stared open-mouthed. “Is… Is that Chen?”

“I think so,” answered Yukari. “And that means that the other one must be Ranma. Ran, if you’d grab your shikigami?”

“Uh… Oh, yes.” Ran shook her head to get her mind back into gear. Positioning herself along the blurs’ path, she waited until _just_ the right moment. As the blurs flashed by, she reached out, managing to grab and pull off the smaller of the two, which resolved itself into a young two-tailed cat-girl. They both fell to the ground in a tangle as Chen’s momentum knocked them over.

Immediately, the other blur broke off of its path, leaping from the rut it had created and diving behind Reimu before coming to a stop and becoming a pigtailed martial artist.

“This is just pathetic,” observed Reimu, glancing at Ranma’s cowering form as Youmu quirked her eyebrows.

“What’s wrong, Ran-kun?” asked Yuyuko worriedly, hurrying over to him. “Is some hideous monster invading? That blue-haired celestial, maybe?”

In response, Ranma pointed a shaking finger at Chen and whined, voice quavering, “Caa~aa~aat.”

“Mweor? Me?” asked Chen, walking over to him. “But I didn’t do anything!”

Ranma merely whimpered, stumbling backwards with every step Chen took.

“Hmmm…” said Yukari thoughtfully. “I think he may be ailurophobic.” The others stared at her blankly. “…Scared of cats. Do none of you know Latin?” More blank stares. “Right, stupid question.”

Ran pulled Chen back before she could frighten the boy any more. “…Still, what could make anyone _that_ scared?” she wondered aloud.

“Now see here, Ran-kun,” admonished Yuyuko. “There is no reason for you to be so scared of Chen! She’s a good girl!” She began pushing the terrified ghost towards the object of his nightmares.

“Yeah, I won’t hurt you,” assured Chen, trying to look as non-threatening as possible (and succeeding admirably). Then she leaned towards him, pitching her voice so that only Ranma could hear it. “But if you hurt Ran-sama, I will _end_ you!”

With that, Ranma fainted.

“Mreow? Was it something I said?”

Yuyuko sighed, looking at the limp, spectral form in her arms. “I guess we’ll have to take this a bit more slowly, next time.” Then she glanced at Yukari, and said, “ _Or_ , we could do this the easy way, in-”

“ Mmmrreeeooowwll”.

“Chen!” Ran scolded, “You know better than to interrupt people!”

“But… but it wasn’t me!” insisted the flustered nekomata.

“Well, who else would it-”

Suddenly, Ranma sprang to life with another yowl, landing on all fours, his back arched like an angry cat. He hissed at the gathered (and confused) women.

Chen gaped openly. “Are you making fun of me?” she demanded.

At her words, Ranma focused his attention on her. With one final hiss of warning, he leapt at her, hands curled into claws. Chen gave a yelp, fleeing as some primal instinct took control of her legs, and Ranma gave chase.

“You leave Chen alone!” yelled Ran, and began running after them as the others looked on, still in confused shock. After only a few yards, however, she was forced to turn and begin fleeing herself as the pair doubled back towards her at ridiculous speeds.

“Youmu! Do something about this!” ordered Yuyuko as the trio ran circles around them.

Youmu nodded, and placed herself in the others’ path, swords ready to draw. “Stop this insanity right now!” she commanded.

She was immediately trampled by all three of them. And then again as they made a second pass. By the third, she had gotten to her feet again and joined the two fleeing shikigami.

Reimu finally got over her confusion, and began laughing. “This… heh… This is the funniest thing I’ve… ha… seen all month!” she managed. Glancing at Yuyuko and Yukari, she noticed them edging away from her. “What? I’m allowed to GYAH!” The runners slammed into Reimu from behind, sweeping her along with them as they fled.

“…Hey, Yukari, what happened to Ran-kun, anyway?” Yuyuko finally asked.

“It looks like he’s crossed the boundary between human and feline,” answered Yukari after a moment’s consideration.

“There’s a boundary between those?”

“There’s a boundary between _everything_. You know that”

“My tails!” yelled Ran, running past the chatting woman. “Chen, get him off my tails!”

“Uh… Alright, Ran-sama, I’ll… MREEOW! Get him off _my_ tails!”

“…It seems he’s crossed the boundary between tame and feral, as well. Or perhaps sane and rabid.” commented Yukari.

“Well that’s not good…” Yuyuko suddenly got an idea. “Although, I think this solves my stage problem! We can make him an Ex Boss!”

Reimu stopped in front of the two, drawing a Spellcard. “Take this! Power Sign: Yin-Yang King!” She sent a gigantic, Ying-yang patterned jewel glowing with divine power rocketing towards Ranma.

“HIIISSSSHHH!” With a quick swipe, the berserk martial artist shattered the attack, not even slowing.

“My yin-yang! He broke my poor little yin-yang!”

Yukari considered her friend’s suggestion. “Hmmm… no, I don’t think he has enough attack variations when he’s like this. He’d work as an Ex Mid-Boss, though.”

“Aww, but those are always the boss of a previous stage! Now I’m right back to square one!” Yuyuko whined.

“NOOO!” screamed Youmu, tugging her ghost-half from Ranma’s mouth. “Don’t eat that! I _need_ my soul!”

“Why not just have Ranma and Youmu take turns? Like a tag-team.” Yukari suggested.

“But isn’t that too much like the Prismrivers?”

“Nah, just make sure they don’t fight at the same time.”

“Well… OK. I guess that will work.” Yuyuko agreed.

Yukari held out her hand as Ranma leapt towards her, hissing. A foot away from her, he crashed into an invisible wall, sliding down it until he hit the ground. “Bad kitty!” Yukari scolded as Ranma picked himself and started scratching vainly at the barrier. The four rather disheveled women he’d been chasing took the opportunity to hide behind some nearby cherry trees.

Suddenly, another woman came floating towards them, carrying a basket. “Someone told me that we have guests, so I made some pastries!” called the ghostly brunette. “I hope you… Ran-kun?”

At his name, Ranma turned to the new-comer, feral eyes dilating with surprise. Quick as a flash, he was rushing towards her.

“NO!” Yuyuko yelled, speeding after them. “DON’T!”

But she was too late. When Yuyuko was still a few yards away, Ranma reached Kasumi, leaping at her and knocking her down, her basket sent whirling into the air – and began purring and rubbing himself against his surprised wife.

“NOOO!” Yuyuko wailed, falling to her knees as sweets rained down among them. “They were still so young! They had- Oooh, this one’s still good *chomp* -sho mush potemshul!”

Yukari strolled up to join them, and, sensing that the danger had passed, the other women cautiously approached them as well, all of their clothing in a state of complete disarray. Chen’s hat was ripped to shreds.

As Chen neared him, Ranma whirled to face her, arching his back and hissing once more. Chen dashed behind Ran with a frightened mewl and hid among her many tails.

Watching the exchange, Yukari sighed. “Ran, I think it would be best if you took your shikigami and left for the time being.”

“Yes,Yukari-sama,” Ran bobbed her head in agreement. She fished Chen out from behind her and began leading her away by the hand.

“I’m sorry I caused so much trouble, Ran-sama,” said the nekomata miserably, her ears and tail drooping.

“Don’t worry, Chen,” assured Ran, lifting her up to ride on her shoulders. “It’s the crazy ghost’s fault, not yours. Now come on, let’s go get you some takiyaki.”

“Takiyaki?! YAY! You’re the best, Ran-sama!” Chen hugged Ran’s head as she strode off.

As they left, the Prismriver Sisters floated up to Yuyuko and the others from the opposite direction. “Hey, we heard screaming from over here,” explained Lunasa.

“What did we miss?” asked Lyrica.

“Must have been a great party!” guessed Merlin, looking at the group.

Youmu simply glared at the three of them, but Reimu burst out, “What did you miss? Just this _psycho_ ,” she indicated the offending ghost, “tried to kill us, is all.”

The poltergeists’ eyes went wide. They looked at the martial artist – still purring in Kasumi’s lap – and then at the others, particularly Reimu’s and Youmu’s torn clothing. Then they huddled together. Lunasa whispered, “New rule number two: We leave Ranma alone, too.” Her sisters nodded silent agreement.

Yuyuko finished gathering all the non-ruined pastries, and turned to Kasumi. “Now that he seems to have calmed down a bit, how do we get him back to normal again?”

“Oh, that’s simple,” said the ghostly housewife, rubbing her husband’s hair affectionately. “He just needs to fall asleep, and he’ll wake up just fine. It should only take an hour or so…”

“No it won’t,” declared Yukari. She snapped her fingers, and Ranma gave a start, sitting up straight.

“What… where… what was I doing again?” he asked, looking around. “Kasumi? When did you get here?”

“Oh my! That was fast. Don’t worry Ran-kun, you just had one of your ‘episodes’. But everyone’s alright,” assured Kasumi. Reimu and Youmu grumbled under their breath at the last part.

“What, really? Man… I haven’t had one of those since-”

“ _I don’t care_!” Reimu shouted. “Just don’t do it again when I’m here!”

“It’s not like I can control it…” he mumbled.

“Oh, Kasumi, now that this is under control, could you go make some more of this delicious manjuu?” Yuyuko asked. “I don’t think there’s enough left for everyone.”

“Why of course, Yuyuko-san.” Kasumi strode off, humming quietly to herself, and Ranma made to follow her.

“You stay!” Yuyuko commanded, and Ranma stopped short, a sinking feeling in his stomach. The ghost princess turned to Yukari. “Could you give him back his curse? He got rid of it a few decades ago, it seems.”

“Curse?” Reimu asked, suspicious as Ranma groaned. “What curse?”

“Certainly!” Yukari ignored Reimu. She turned to Ranma, smiling. “Now, just hold still…”

Ranma signed resignedly and complied. With one more snap of her fingers, Yukari opened a Gap above Ranma’s head, and deluge of water poured out, immersing him. When it stopped, he was red-haired, about a foot shorter, and decidedly a ‘she’. She started to wring out her clothing.

“Ran-chan!” Yuyuko shouted, and dove into the once-again-female’s bosom.

The Prismrivers gaped at the sight, along with Reimu. Suddenly, Reimu declared, “That’s it! This is officially too weird for me. I’m going home. Yukari, make sure the Barrier is fixed by tomorrow.” Not waiting for a reply, she turned and strode away.

Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, Lyrica shot an evil grin at her elder sisters. She floated silently over to Yuyuko, and whispered something in her ear.

Yuyuko’s eyes went wide, and she turned to her bodyguard. “Why, Youmu-chan! You should have said something!”

“What?” she asked.   Then she noticed the poltergeist floating at her master’s shoulder. “No! whatever she said, it’s a lie!”

“Now now, Youmu-chan, there’s no need to be embarrassed!   It’s perfectly naturally for girls your age to want to experiment!” She turned to Yukari once more, and Youmu dashed off at top speed – and hit one of Yukari’s barriers before she’d gone ten feet. “Could you give Youmu-chan a curse, too?”

“Of course!” Once again she snapped her fingers, and a Gap appeared above the dazed swordswoman’s head, trapping her in another deluge.

When the water cleared, she was over a foot taller, her hair was white rather than silver, and she was noticeably more muscular. Even her ghost-half was looking manly. She looked at herself, horrified, as Ranma winced in sympathy and glared at the laughing poltergeists.

“Oh Youmu- _kun_ , you look so handsome!” Yuyuko cooed, floating over to her. “But you can’t go around wearing a dress anymore, now, can you? Let’s go get you some new clothes!” She dragged Youmu off.

Still laughing, the Sisters turned to leave. Behind them, Ranma grew her own evil grin. “Could you…?” she asked Yukari, indicating the three of them.

Yukari merely smiled and snapped her fingers one final time. A trio of rather masculine – but no less harmonious – screams came from the direction of the Prismrivers.

“That was pretty vindictive,” Yukari said to the chuckling martial artist. “I approve!”

“Thank you.”

“Now come on, let’s get you all prettied up for Yuyuko!” She grabbed his arm and led him away. “Hmm… I wonder how Ran would look male…”

* * *

\------------------------------OMAKE------------------------------------

“I thought we were getting takiyaki!” whined Chen.

“We are,” replied Ran, “but you need to be fitted, first. You can’t very well go out in public looking like _that_.”

“But does it have to be _him_ who does it? He’s _weird_!”

“’He’ is standing right next to you!” snapped Rinnosuke Morichika, taking Chen’s measurements. “And the reason it’s me doing it is because I’m the only shopkeeper who doesn’t run screaming at the sight of you.”

“But you’ve been at this _forever_!”

“Don’t exaggerate, Chen,” Ran admonished her ward. “It’s barely been half an hour.”

“It feels like forever…”

“All done!” Rinnosuke announced. He disappeared into the back of his shop for a while, Chen growing more impatient with each passing minute. Finally he returned, bearing a hat identical to Chen’s now-ruined old one. He plopped it down on her head.

“Oh, Chen, that looks _perfect_ on you!” Ran exclaimed.

“Yes. Perfect. Great,” Chen answered unenthusiastically. She turned to Rinnosuke. “Now… _Where’s my takiyaki?!_ ”

The shopkeeper rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “Umm… I looked, but it seems we’re out of it…”

And then Rinnosuke’s store exploded.


End file.
